the upper echelon of happiness

2009-12-30T16:05:00.000-08:00

there are so many good things i can't write about because i'm afraid that the people who are not supposed to read them will read them and then i have to look them in the eye and explain... does it work if i say it's fictional or names have been changed? really? does that ever work for anyone?!

2009-12-29T18:10:00.001-08:00

what if i just started writing even if it wasn't smart or funny or meaningful or anything? what if?

2009-06-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

so that's the difference between real writers and fake ones... real ones keep writing...

2009-06-06T11:22:00.001-07:00

when i read all those old posts of mine... i wonder... where did i get all those words? and why is my head so empty now?

2008-01-07T08:55:00.001-08:00

at the end of the work day, i look very forward to driving home to my husband and cozying up on the couch, watching tv, having dinner, telling a couple of jokes or get mad at little things for no reason

there's an incredible amount of comfort in this almost daily routine which words cannot describe (unless u're a very good poet or something)

2008-01-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

saw "fast food nation"

at the moment i'm disturbed enough to set aside meat

however once the images of "kidney pulling," stunners, massive amounts of blood, and struggling cows subside in my head, i may be tempted to bite into a juicy hamburger or steak again

i hope not

2008-01-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

i have maintained my sense of individuality after marriage

it's still a challenge to remember to sign greeting cards and mass emails from "us" rather than from "i"

this is working

i like that

2008-01-05T18:22:00.001-08:00

i guess i can say that my creativity began with "pretty hate machine" and ended with "year zero"

i guess that would be appropriate

i guess i can accept that

2007-12-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

recently i've found that i'm not much of a rock star

i have to find another excuse to act like one

2007-12-19T10:41:00.000-08:00

my husband and i live in different worlds

occasionally our worlds overlap

i like that

2007-11-26T11:31:00.000-08:00

six months of uninspiration

hope that's a good sign.

2007-05-03T09:03:00.001-07:00

for all in search of webgard

2007-04-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

we're starting the band again... it's been exciting practicing and interviewing new musicians... if i freak out again and question the status quo, u have the right to kick my ass and abuse me on my blog.

2007-04-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

i thought about an old long lost friend from high school and she emailed me all of a sudden

i bought a big bag of dried mushrooms from costco and all of sudden there was a mushroom recipe on food tv

i wanted to be part of a project at work and all of a sudden i got included

this stuff happens all the time

do we make our own reality?

2007-04-11T16:26:00.000-07:00

i didn't do much work today...

last night when i was getting ready to leave the office i kept hearing this chirping coming from the corner of our section... it was unusually loud... i walked over to the corner to see if a bird has come in and is trapped but i found that the noise was coming from the ceiling... i told a couple of coworkers and they said that there are lots of birds on the dock behind the building and that's probably where the noise was coming from... on my way out i told security and they said the same thing...

this morning the chirping was still there... i ignored it thinking it's the birds on the dock... late morning one of my coworkers who sits in that corner called me over... i guess a lot of people had noticed the chirping by then and had told the maintenance guys... i went over and sure enough the maintenance guy had a baby sparrow in a bucket asking me what to do with it...

my first instinct was to protect it... no one was interested or wanted to deal with the situation anyway... nobody really cared... everyone wanted to go back to work and have a normal nine to five day...

i took the bird...

i emailed a bunch of coworkers asking if any of them know anything about birds... no one got back... one person was so nice to come over and sympathize and offer to take it home after work and try to take care of it... but that was about it... people kept passing by my cube with interesting thoughts: bird whisperer, bird killer, it's gonna die, etc

i searched the internet for bird rescue places... i found a few contacts in the area and called and emailed... i kept getting voice mails... then i registered on this one site and asked for advice... on the site they had told other people in similar situations to leave the bird in the shrubs and let nature take its course... i went out to the dock with the bird... the bird was alert and looking around, but it didn't chirp to call the parents... i left it out there for a few minutes and then noticed some big pigeons hanging out on the dock... i took the bird back in...

i called the local bird store and told them the story... they said to keep it warm and give it moistened dry cat food... i left work and went to one market close by... they said they don't carry pet food... i went to a pet store a little farther and bought some dry cat food and an eyedropper... i thought it may come in handy...

i went back to work and tried to feed the bird in as many ways as possible... it would not eat... it would not open its beak at all... i had no idea how long this bird had not eaten for, but it would not eat...

i did some more research...

early afternoon my phone rang and it was one of the rescue places i had left a message for... she gave me a whole bunch of numbers to call and see if they will take the bird in... none of them were close... i call the one that i thought was the closest... jody from fallen feathers said that they will take the bird if someone takes it over to her place... i told her i'll leave work at five and will drop the bird off...

i tried feeding the bird again unsuccessfully and decided to leave work right away and take the bird there...

the place was far... i got lost... the bird was moving around in the box... i kept thinking it's dehydrated...

i finally found the place... jody's daughter a tomboyish girl answered the door and said i need to fill out a form... i filled out the form... the house was full of birds... all kinds... one parrot was saying something but i couldn't tell what... it was a happy messy place full of birds... while i was filling the form, the girl picked up the baby sparrow and held it in her fist... the sparrow started to chirp and she stuffed food in its mouth...

i thanked her immensely... she was very cool... i said goodbye and left and tried to find my way back...

on the way i called a coworker and gave her an update on the bird... i didn't turn on the music... i didn't feel like music...

i got home and sat and cried for a good 5 minutes, then i got up and cooked dinner...

2007-04-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

as u get older, contrary to common belief, it's not about what u haven't achieved or how much money u haven't got... it's not about what crappy car u drive or that u're not where u thought u'll be in 5 years... it's not about the book u didn't write or that song u didn't sing...

it's about having lost that fire inside... that desire and inspiration... that drive and joy... that thing that moved u forward and didn't give up... that thing that made u wanna do all of the above...

it's about that.

2007-03-18T13:08:00.001-07:00

i need to know who i am...

after 5 years of reading my crap, can u tell me who i am?

2007-03-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

i finally saw 300... i'm one to always criticize petitions and say stop acting like victims... but this one was just way too ironic and hit too close to home and it even pissed me off... the timing and the current parallels that are implied are just too much for the movie to be coincidental... all through the movie i was thinking of this one poem my friend has written about iranians vs. persians and how the word iranian is associated with negative things such as terrorism and the axis of evil and persian is associated with rugs and cats and romanticism... well here we go... there goes the word persian for us too... now our widely glorified history is associated with ghoulish evil monsters led by an over sized power crazy god! it dawned on me why i always hated history... it's too open to interpretation!!!

2007-03-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

i gave in and changed my template after 5 years... it pained me to lose your comments... but sometimes u just have to let go...

2007-03-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

you know what i miss right now?

walking across the street to hayes valley after work and drinking a glass of ice cold beer on tap in a funky old bar full of character and characters... and then meeting up with friends for some tapas in a dimly lit place talking about whether we would kill hitler if we travelled back in time and met him by accident before he became who he became...

2007-03-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

where is my john wayne?
where is my prairie son?
where is my happy ending?
where have all the [archives] gone???

2007-03-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

i hate it when the toilet seat cover slips into the toilet before u get a chance to sit down

yes, my life is so stable right now that my only blog update is toilet related.

2007-02-17T08:38:00.000-08:00

i refuse to write about the hardships of marriage... the good outweighs the bad... at least so far...

2007-02-07T13:53:00.001-08:00

yes, i'm pissed at people who i saw as "my friends"... they were all fake... fake as plastic... with their fake emotions and fake smiles and fake compliments and great expectations... i'm pissed at always putting in more than people can handle and then getting pissed about not getting equally in return... i'm pissed for being pissed cause i should know better... i'm pissed that they didn't care that i left and didn't call to see how i did... i'm pissed for they treated me differently after i got married even though we made big rooms in our hearts for them and included them in our lives... i'm pissed that i went out of my way and now i'm at this stage... i'm pissed that i threw them parties and gave them rides and listened to them bitch and encouraged them and attended their fake parties that were given for the wrong reasons... i'm pissed that i cared... i'm pissed that i keep pretending that i don't care and i'm not hurt and it's all a thing of the past... i'm pissed that they blame my marriage for their reactions... i'm just pissed... i'm pissed for this and a lot more... i'm collectively pissed... at them... but mostly at myself for repeating this shitty pattern over and over again... either i'm a masochist or i have no clue on how to choose friends...

2007-02-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

u get used to everything... even moving to arizona and living away from ur family...

2007-01-19T07:54:00.000-08:00

just a pointless useless update:

--i've been getting up at 5:00 AM every day and starting work at 6:00... i secretly like it... it's sick

--we're looking for a drummer to start the band again... everyone wants to play heavy metal here... our music is too soft and straight forward!

--i'm so thinking about revenge on a couple... an inconsiderate couple who are hurting my husband's feelings... bastards... we even sent them a wedding gift when they got married... i hope they choke if they eat out of that bowl...

--AZ is boring... not that i wanna go back... that would be even worse...

--no sign of creepy crawlies... i'm scared of summer...

--i bought these big sunglasses cause they are hip... with makeup they are great but without i look like a blind person... i can't believe i paid so much for them...

--my right knee still hurts

--so does my ego

2007-01-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

can we talk about six feet under again... which i just watched all over... did i ever write in here that when i was leaving the bay area i felt like claire fisher leaving LA and her family behind at the end of the series ... except the background song was different... it was ugly side by blue october for me... anyone who watched six feet under to the end will know how significant and powerful that last episode was... and how uncontrollably sad and real... i have a new god on my list... next to my other few gods... his name is alan ball.

2007-01-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

i can make a great blog out of all the comments on this blog

and then sell it

and be rich

w/o giving anyone credit for it

just take it all

and run

to a distant land

and start a blog there again

2007-01-09T06:34:00.000-08:00

do people who are afraid of making mistakes not grow or learn as much?

2007-01-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

a tad depressed... for no reason but PMS.

2007-01-06T09:26:00.000-08:00

i look at someone like this and i think u just have to have it from the start... i mean i like to believe that everyone can do anything and u just have to tap into it... but how can u deny it when u see this? some people just have it... these are the ones who make it... i mean what am i doing close to 40 trying to make something out of myself with the 4 chords that i know? i should stick to my IT job and my regular paychecks and have an average life that i deserve...

2007-01-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

i had worms as a kid... tapeworms to be exact... i was going to link to a picture, but they are just too disgusting looking and i didn't want to search the websites that came up... i think i was 7 or 8... i got them after a visit to london... my mom believed i got them cause we ate ham while we were there... i didn't tell anyone for the longest time... i don't know what i was thinking... i just dealt with it and a couple of times i was scared to death by what was coming out of me... i guess i got fed up... i finally told my parents... at the time, our next door neighbor was a doctor who had studied in america... he came over with a book and asked me to identify the kind of worms i had... there were all kinds of photos of worms and i found my worms... i guess i hadn't told anyone because i wasn't sure what the cure may be... i would be horrified if they had to get in there manually or if all the worms would start coming out all of a sudden... but this doctor... this doctor from america... he gave me some pills and some laxatives... he said everything will melt and come out and i won't even notice anything... and that's exactly how it happened... and that's how i lost all my worms and lived a worm-free life happily ever after.

2007-01-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

back to work... what would we do if we didn't have work to go back to? yeah... i thought i'll fulfill all my dreams if i didn't have to work too... but i had the chance and all i did was whine and sleep... so long live work... u keep me hanging on...

2007-01-02T14:58:00.000-08:00

"Home is where the heart is, everything else is kinda awkward!"

what a great line... have to credit bijan for something so true...

2006-12-28T13:58:00.000-08:00

blog tag? yalda game? as far as i know, i've been playing for 5 years... but yet another 5 things u don't know about me?

--my favorite drink at starbucks is a tall non-fat latte and i stick to that... no banning starbucks for me... go large corporations, go capitalism

--i often suffer from constipation

--i don't shave, i use an epilator and i've learned that no matter how u go about it, it's all a pain in the butt and so i don't do it often

--the number of my facial stray hairs has been increasing over the years

--i think about my weight everyday cause i love food and i'm very lazy and don't exercise

i tag: mehraban, linda, shahin, ghazal, dodo

give us five...

2006-12-26T10:27:00.000-08:00

we've been in the U.S. for 21 years... our stay here can have a few drinks now...

2006-12-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

there's an innate sadness in me that's been there as far back as i have memories... i get distracted with life sometimes and forget about it temporarily or cover it up partially with friends and booze... but it's always there... like an ingrown nail, it stabs at me, but i can't cut it... i'm guilty of nurturing it too at times... sometimes i think i like that part of me and don't really want to give it up... it's a part of me that no one has access too and it's mine and only mine...

lovely friend i sensed a sadness in u too... hope all is well...

2006-12-24T15:10:00.000-08:00

sometimes u remove urself from situations to numb the pain... i've done a great job of that by moving away...

it's a lonely christmas.

2006-12-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

i'm back in the bay area... for a visit... i'm not excited... the minute i got off the plane i got this knot in my stomache... this town seems to have ties to people gone and memories faded... all those nights of parties and friends is a thing of the past... i said i never wanna grow up and get over it, but i have... they don't matter anymore... even the slight memories are not pleasant... i like growing up... growing up brings clarity... i'm living a different life... not a new one... but a different one... one i like... one i'm not confused about... one that is simple and straight... one that has less pain... less dependencies... friends that don't cheat and lie... people who don't manipulate... my mind is at ease... how could i have been so preoccupied about what people thought and said... i don't want to be that person anymore... i want to grow even older... so old and so comfortable... in my own skin...

2006-12-20T13:26:00.000-08:00

things are not just black & white to me... things can't just be right or wrong... maybe that's why making decisions are so hard...

Homer and Nirvana will both be talked about way into the future... this is for both Homer and Nirvana fans to know...

how much and for how long do u owe someone even if they have done a favor for u in the past...

i blew some people off the past few days... people i had promised to meet... i just couldn't... my head was telling me that i should know better but my other parts would not cooperate... how guilty should i feel and for how long...

how long should a blog post really be... are people with longer posts more special than people with shorter posts... or the other way around...

are people who write novels greater than poets or short story writers... is writing poetry a cop out...

again... should i care about any of this...

2006-12-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

my reactions frighten me
but my actions scare the hell out of me!

2006-12-17T11:29:00.000-08:00

alone, i'm nothing.
i do nothing.
i create nothing.
i think nothing.

alone, i'm paralyzed.

2006-12-06T09:24:00.000-08:00

link

2006-12-06T09:23:00.000-08:00

i play with my silly putty.

2006-12-04T13:28:00.000-08:00

--i bought "silly putty" yesterday cause as a kid i had it and it amused me much, but i don't know what to do with it now

--i found friends from the past on the internet and got excited and made initial contact and then never contacted them again

--i think i'm better than most, or deeper, or darker, or different--an elitist

--i have a secret that i cannot share under any circumstances, but 5 people know it

--i get hurt easily but i'm capable of hurting deeply

--i'm judgmental

--i drop my friends like flies and they all know it

--i'm really not that deep, but i give off the aura that i am by keeping silent or making a joke--i'm shallower than most know

--i may tell others' secrets at a time of excitement or non-caring

--i don't care much about anything, even things i think i'm passionate about

--i'm just another person

--i may have just lied about all this

2006-11-21T11:27:00.000-08:00

i am tree

no no no

i am water, fluid

no no no

i am grand, the grand canyon

nope, not that either

i am... truth!

naaaaa

i pretty much can be summarized in the frame of my glasses.

2006-11-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

did you know that i wake up at 6:30 every morning?
did you know that i have an 8-5 job?
did you know that i'm an IT analyst?
did you know that i cook dinner on most nights?
did you know that i go to physical therapy for my bad knees?
did you know that i drive a honda?
did you know that i volunteer?
did you know that i love my husband?
did you know that outside of this blog i'm a very normal person?
does it matter?

2006-11-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

i miss writing
something of substance
something of importance
something that makes sense
or utterly no sense

2006-11-01T11:57:00.000-08:00

take 1:

girl in big black hairy spider costume, the room is dark, she's barely illuminated, and smoking

"it all started back"

CUT

"it all started back when"

CUT

"it all started back when i was younger i"

CUT

"shit"

CUT

girl pissed off

"what the fuck?"

CUT CUT CUT

"what's the problem?"

I'M NOT BUYING IT, THIS IS A PIECE OF CRAP

take 2:

girl just sitting there

WELL SAY SOMETHING

...

CUT

"it really didn't start... nothing started... nothing has ended either... it all happened in the future and travelled back... then i built all those stories"

CUT!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT

"i don't think we have a story here"

CUT

2006-10-31T21:03:00.000-08:00

what if i was a genius?

not that i'm unhappy or anything...

2006-10-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

my parents and i have never been away from each other for more than a month... now, i'm going to be in arizona, my mom in california, and my dad far away in iran... i wonder how that will go... it's a strange feeling and i have a lump in my throat, yet i know that it will all turn out ok at the end...

2006-09-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

phoenix update number 3: i found great sushi in glendale, az by total accident! i'm so shocked and excited!

tokyo lobby, 5775 west bell road, suite 9

sweet sweet cozy place

all is well and dandy... there's hope

2006-09-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

me and my best friend's taste in music is like our taste in kentucky fried chicken... she likes original, i like crispy, but it's still kentucky fried chicken!

2006-09-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

phoenix update number 2: found a sushi bar in peoria, AZ on google last night and went there by my lonesome after work... as with everything else phoenix so far, the place was huge, very cold, and full of white people... most of them eating sushi with their forks... the sushi was mediocre... the chinese waitress had never tried or heard of unfiltered sake before... the chef was mexican... they were playing classic rock in the background... and on the way out i was thinking to myself, i need to find a good cozy sushi place around here while the blonde hostess bid me farewell...

2006-09-06T16:56:00.000-07:00

phoenix update:

as i had suspected and feared, i've been having chunky spider problems at the rental and some of you know how i feel about that... mini heart attacks all over the place... last time this happened i changed homes! the hubby won't get here for another 3 weeks and i'm all alone and w/o protection... the last 2 nights i spent at a hotel! thankfully, my dad's coming to visit tonight and i'm saved... the following is one coworkers solution to my problem... others are welcomed too...

Mike: "Maybe if you turn some scorpions and gila monsters loose they'll eat the spiders? Then you get a rattlesnake to eat the scorpions and gila monsters. Then you rent the apt to a redneck for a month so he can eat the snake. Last, hire a cleaner to patch the bullet holes and mop up, then you can move in by Thanksgiving."

2006-08-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

we were searched from head to toe, my mom and i... we had to get rid of all the gel and liquid in our carry-ons... we were taken to a room and our luggage was searched thoroughly... the luggage that we had packed so carefully... we were escorted to the gate... we couldn't even get coffee cause security would follow us... we were the first to board the plane and gotten rid of even though we flew economy... on the plane the 3 guys in front of us were drunk and loud and we couldn't sleep the 8 hours, but we could not complain in fear of being seen as aggressive... the two women that we were... on the next plane the lady next to me had an ass 7 times bigger than mine and believe me, my ass is not that small... she raised the arm rest, smiled at me and her thigh touched mine the whole 6 hours... (ok that last point didn't have anything to do with the rest)... in miami, spanish speaking officers questioned our nationality... they spoke to each other about us in spanish... they took out their notes to see how we should be treated... my mom and i who have been in the states for 20 years... but with all that, i got to see my cousin... and that was worth the money, the pain, and the embarrassment.

2006-08-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

i went to brazil... brazilians are nice... they are clean and they love their country... even though they know u don't speak the language they talk to you anyway... continuously... they are peaceful people... they have no problems with the world... the world doesn't have any problems with them... they are happy people... they are comfortable... they live simple lives... they like who they are... they don't get searched in airports... they don't blow anything up either... i wish i was brazilian.

2006-08-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

my latest revelation on my latest trip: i really like holy places

not only do i have several photos of jesus in different churches in my camera right now, but i also bought a rosary and a jesus statue

i hope he saves me now

2006-08-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

i'm moving to phoenix afterall.

2006-07-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

marriage is wonderful.

it gives u yet another significant person to wake up for in the morning

2006-07-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

amazing how much of myself i see in my younger cousins now... here's another lovely blog from an absolutely lovely cousin who's particularly into photography

2006-07-23T18:08:00.000-07:00

ME ME ME

of course it's all about me, who else would it all be about?!

2006-07-23T18:03:00.000-07:00

i don't feel like expressing myself anymore... is that bad? am i falling into normalness?

2006-07-15T11:46:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel that the only reason i get out of bed in the morning is not to let the people around me down...

but then again maybe it's because of sheer pride and the fact that i don't wanna be seen as lazy!

either way works for me since it gets the day started!

2006-07-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

finally found the time to build this: shadi101

2006-07-01T22:02:00.000-07:00

OR,

for the most part, i write the truth here

but remember... why should you care?!

2006-07-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

OR,

for the most part, i write the truth here

but remember that i like to play with words... A LOT!

2006-07-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

for the most part, i write the truth here

but remember that the roller coaster of my emotions and moods equal a manic/depressive's!

2006-05-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

my uncle has a blog now! but u can post replies in farsi only... if u go there say hi to him for me too!

2006-05-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

half eaten sandwiches
half taken classes
half a masters degree
half code half talk
half guitar lessons
half art classes
half smiles
half recognitions
half checks
half employments
half wine connoisseur
half poet
half housewife
half clean
half funny
half married
half daughter
not a mother
but if i was
that would be half too
half decorator
half beader
half greeting card maker
half good driver
2 totalled cars
half insured
half reader
half singer
half musician
half fan
half gourmet cook
half full
half empty
half full of shit
the other half hanging

2006-05-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

i have to tell u
in my old age
more and more every day
i realize
that i'm mediocre
i used to think i was special
different
talented
but no
i'm just mediocre
have always been
mediocre
mediocre

m e d i o c r e

2006-04-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

things that i know right at this moment:

-that soup i just had was too spicy
-should i wear my scarf?
-maybe i'm dehydrated... i read somewhere that exhaustion is a sign of dehydration...
-i better go to the bathroom
-i can see the frame of my glasses all the time while i'm wearing them... what the hell...
-why is the "publish post" button orange?!
-i don't feel like going all the way to the post office to buy "pretty" stamps
-i have to go to the bank
-can i have soup, coffee, and water back to back?
-i need to get a safety deposit box
-snore... snore... snore...
-falling sleep in my cube
-why the hell am i posting if i don't have a thing to write?!
-i better go
-oh i got an email

2006-04-17T17:29:00.000-07:00

maybe if i was more observant i would write more... or better... or both... maybe...

2006-04-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

also, it sucks to be reading ur own old posts for inspiration!

2006-04-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

it sucks to be happy.

2006-03-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

happy new year and stuff.

2005-12-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

and so finally -----> this

2005-12-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

u know what it is? i suffer from the "i'm not good enough" syndrome... no matter what i do or what i accomplish, it's just not good enough... "i" am not good enough.

2005-12-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

check this out

check the self-portraits on iranian.com too

amazing.

2005-12-07T10:19:00.000-08:00

btw... shout out to shiva ;-)

2005-12-07T10:17:00.000-08:00

if anyone who was at our san francisco show reads this: thank u SO much... we so appreciated ur support.

2005-11-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

for no reason or special occasion i put my makeup on, get dressed, and sit on the sofa facing the trees outside waiting.

...

now what?

.....

now what?

.......

2005-11-26T14:54:00.000-08:00

this thanxgiving seems so lonely for some reason. or maybe i'm just being a princess. boo hoo.

2005-11-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

well let me tell u all about it... it's not easy being an adult and pursue a full time hobby at the same time... the commute is killing me... weekdays i'm practically done by the time i make it to and from work... weekends practically one full day is dedicated to the band... one day i try to split up between family and friends... it kills me to have to say no to my friends... i definitely can't say no to family... i'm not gonna even mention the weeks that we have to practice multiple times... the idea of fame and fortune is not as attractive when u're older... i question myself... why am i doing this? this music thing is taking time and effort and energy and i'm always tired... it's expensive too... and the energy between the band members takes extra energy as well... why am i doing this? it's not as pleasurable as 10 years ago... so why? am i still out to prove myself? am i done after just one performance? is this just another thing that i wanted to try and set aside? what is it? what am i gonna do if not this? what's next? why am i doing this? again and again and again. don't worry... i'm not about to quit... at least i won't initiate a band breakup... just like everything else i'm going to leave it to fate and see what's in store for me... we'll just see... i still believe that everything happens for a reason... so this is taking me somewhere... we'll just have to wait... together... we'll wait... u and i.

2005-11-14T17:26:00.001-08:00

FYI
i did not mess up
i did not fall on my ass
my friends showed up
it was a great show
come next time

2005-11-14T17:26:00.000-08:00

it's always the case

once the excitement is over with

depression sets in

2005-11-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

the gig is in 5 days...

what if i freeze?
what if i go blank?
what if i forget the lyrics?
what if i'm off key?
what if my voice shakes?
what if i mess up?
what if i fall on my ass?
what if my heart is pounding so fast i can't hear myself?
what if the sound system sucks so bad that none of us can hear ourselves?
what if the crowd don't like us?
what if my friends don't show up?
what am i to say in between the songs?
what am i to look like?
what is my image?
what about stage presence?
what if i totally and utterly make a fool of myself?
what if any of this?
what?
what then?

2005-11-01T16:00:00.000-08:00

need fans.

apply here:

http://www.myspace.com/tomgirlmusic

2005-11-01T09:28:00.000-08:00

we have our first show in two weeks

i'm about to throw up from anxiety and worry

it's all good

2005-10-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

ok... here it is finally: tomgirlmusic.com

2005-10-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

today, i'm god

but two and a half hours ago when i got up late all grumpy just to face another day of long commute and busy work schedule, i was only human

today, i'm god

but half hour ago when a problem was forwarded to me that i couldn't solve, i was only human

today, i'm god

but five minutes ago when i came here to announce my godliness to the world, i was only human

today, i'm god

who know what tomorrow brings

2005-10-17T16:49:00.000-07:00

blah blah blah

yes, i'm still in existence

2005-10-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

this cholAgh [limping] indian guy likes me at work... he gets to excited every time he sees me...

also the chubby mexican barista at the cafe

and this janitor guy who calls me honey and smiles showing a gold tooth

is this how people meet their significant others in the workplace?!!! :-)

2005-10-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

our IT department [which i'm a part of] is moving out of state [and out of the truly beloved, sacred and unmatched san francisco bay area, as told by the locals] and i'm considering the move [to phoenix or portland or salt lake city god forbid]... however... once again... i'm being judged by coworkers [i'm from the middle east and must know the mentality of terrorists, remember?]... here are some of the comments i've heard so far:

-i don't understand the mentality of someone who would consider
-i think a person who would consider is just plain dumb
-i think the people who'll move have farmer mentalities

why spend so much energy judging others on a decision that's only theirs and will effect only their own lives?!

i would feel like i don't belong no matter where i am... i'm forever an immigrant and looked upon as one... so what difference does it make for me anyway? besides, all i ever need is in my head... i'm not concerned about the excitement of external stimulation... a bar is a bar and a bakery is a bakery... san francisco bay area [as lovely, elitist and discriminating as it is] can kiss my ass this time.

2005-10-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

this blog substitutes the little people in my head... u know... the little people in our heads that we talk to when we're kids? them...

2005-10-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

i welcome change with open arms... catastrophe kits with bottled water, canned food and copies of important documents don't appeal to me... it's exciting to just let life/nature/fate take over...

2005-10-03T15:31:00.001-07:00

what's up with people who are always on the defensive? like everything is about them? like everyone's out to get them? like they have to constantly prove that no one can take their rights away? alright already! take it easy and breathe!

mix that with a temper and u have to go get a restraining order against them!

2005-10-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

my latest obsession -------> here

2005-09-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

i grow old
i grow old
i shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled
do i dare to buy a 1000 dollars worth of stocks?

of course not!

2005-09-29T14:54:00.000-07:00

for most of my life, i've suffered from the not-fitting-in syndrome... and sadistically loving it.