11.27.2005

for no reason or special occasion i put my makeup on, get dressed, and sit on the sofa facing the trees outside waiting.

...

now what?

.....

now what?

.......

11.26.2005

this thanxgiving seems so lonely for some reason. or maybe i'm just being a princess. boo hoo.
well let me tell u all about it... it's not easy being an adult and pursue a full time hobby at the same time... the commute is killing me... weekdays i'm practically done by the time i make it to and from work... weekends practically one full day is dedicated to the band... one day i try to split up between family and friends... it kills me to have to say no to my friends... i definitely can't say no to family... i'm not gonna even mention the weeks that we have to practice multiple times... the idea of fame and fortune is not as attractive when u're older... i question myself... why am i doing this? this music thing is taking time and effort and energy and i'm always tired... it's expensive too... and the energy between the band members takes extra energy as well... why am i doing this? it's not as pleasurable as 10 years ago... so why? am i still out to prove myself? am i done after just one performance? is this just another thing that i wanted to try and set aside? what is it? what am i gonna do if not this? what's next? why am i doing this? again and again and again. don't worry... i'm not about to quit... at least i won't initiate a band breakup... just like everything else i'm going to leave it to fate and see what's in store for me... we'll just see... i still believe that everything happens for a reason... so this is taking me somewhere... we'll just have to wait... together... we'll wait... u and i.

11.14.2005

FYI
i did not mess up
i did not fall on my ass
my friends showed up
it was a great show
come next time
it's always the case

once the excitement is over with

depression sets in

11.07.2005

the gig is in 5 days...

what if i freeze?
what if i go blank?
what if i forget the lyrics?
what if i'm off key?
what if my voice shakes?
what if i mess up?
what if i fall on my ass?
what if my heart is pounding so fast i can't hear myself?
what if the sound system sucks so bad that none of us can hear ourselves?
what if the crowd don't like us?
what if my friends don't show up?
what am i to say in between the songs?
what am i to look like?
what is my image?
what about stage presence?
what if i totally and utterly make a fool of myself?
what if any of this?
what?
what then?

11.01.2005

need fans.

apply here:

http://www.myspace.com/tomgirlmusic
we have our first show in two weeks

i'm about to throw up from anxiety and worry

it's all good