today's horoscope:

Give up control. Think of this as an exercise in trust -- trust in yourself, trust in those you love and trust in the universe. You may be quite surprised at what this does for your heart and soul. It will open your eyes to new possibilities, methods and freedoms. So rather than turning everything into a power struggle and an ego trip, you can see the more intimate and important workings of the universe.

i don't like people who are so reality-oriented that they ruin my fantasies

i had a dream last night that i was in black tights and dr. martens again

we packed bags
packed bags
packed bags
full of groceries
we got cuts
and bruises
and delved
in our misery
we packed bags
packed bags

i've felt lonely most of my life... and at times of vulnerability, the feeling has led me to people who were not necessarily good for me...

i won't let myself be drawn to the wrong people out of loneliness... i won't let the wrong people be drawn to me out of their loneliness...

i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust
i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust
i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust
i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust
i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust
i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust
i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust
i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust
i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust
i can't be with someone who can hold me back out of jealousy and mistrust

i have to remember this

i feel as though i've failed at the one thing that's been the most precious to me all my life:

love

do i come across as arrogant?
u have no idea as to the magnitude of insecurities i have fought with teeth and bone to get to this point;
please don't ask me to be any other way.

sadness washes over me
like an invisible veil
as i walk the estranged streets
coffee in hand
cigarette on mind

how heavy
and how familiar

guinness in ma veins
future on ma mind

uncertainties

oh well

and after watching this i had a strong urge to dye my hair fire red... don't ask why!

it's been ok... life's been good on average... the day to day is not so bad if u keep dreamin'...

"it's better to break a man's leg than his heart"

yup... that's right... i just watched seabiscuit AND cried all through it... as expected

some things never change

does anyone listen to habib? i love the man and his songs, but boy do u wanna cut ur wrists after a couple of them!

there was a time that i enjoyed this thing... i guess i'm losing my addiction

d: "i need to control myself."

c: "oh please! if u were any more controlled u'd be a fuckin' statue!"

this is from "inside the kingdom"... carmen bin laden's memoir... carmen is the ex-wife of osama's older brother:

"the bin laden women were like pets kept by their husbands... occasionally they were patted on the head and given presents; sometimes they were taken out, mostly to each other’s houses... i never once saw one of my sister-in-laws pick up a book. these women never met with men other than their husbands, and never talked about larger issues even with the men they had married. they had nothing to say."

Just like a woman should be, don't u think?

and just the other day i came across another book that was advising women to not be loud and happy and confident around the men that they wanted to marry them... it advised that one should be quiet and attentive and come across as caring to be considered "wife material"...

the sad thing is that this is all true! (and don't u dare negate me cause i've seen this so many times that it's not even funny)... my only question is: men, don't u get bored?!