6.30.2004

i was in a 3-day seminar
and this girl next to me kept drinking water
she drank all the water that they put on our table
she drank the water like she'd never drank water in her life
every day
every 3 days
she drank water like she had never drank water before
and when the water on the table would run out
she would get up and fill her glass with ice and chew on ice

she ate grapes too
all the grapes in the fruit tray
she would pick each grape from the stem
roll it on her napkin
and chew on it
this would repeat
over and over again
and when she would put the grape in her mouth
on the initial bite u could hear the skin crack open
as i held my breath and listened
i wanted to hear it
each one
although it would mess with my head
and make me crazy
but i wanted to listen carefully
to each grape

there's so much i can write about her
how i observed her
because she was so different than me
her backpack
her jacket
the way she walked a mile to work and back before and after each session
the way she put down her fork after each bite
the way she picked salted nuts out of all other junk food that they would serve us every day
instead of twix
and popcorn
and m&ms
and pretzels
and cookies

i could write pages
about her pointy lips
and her voice
and her old fashioned jeans
and how thin her wrists were
and how she took notes in red
and how claustrophic her page looked
and how she made a bagel for her lunch and stuffed it into her purse
i could write pages and pages

but i'd rather mention that the cutest girl in class looked like a duck and i kept looking at her while the instructor bragged about his daughters' degrees
i'm the kinda person that when alone in the hotel room last night, felt lonely and sad and ordered a lot of food [that arrived with 3 sets of silverware] and ate most of it, and then before pushing the food cart outside for pick up, opened up a second set of silverware and scattered it around so they wouldn't think that all that food was for one person...

who are these 'they' and why should i care i don't know

6.28.2004

that's what happens when u care about what people think and discipline urself for no reason... u lose momentum and don't have anything to say anymore...

all i have to say is that i'm exhausted right now and when u're exhausted u don't care about putting words together... u give up on words, on people, on thoughts, on life... u just wanna drown in a slumber and dream of birds and fish and goats!

somebody get me some clean sheets and a pillow

6.25.2004

today's horoscope:

Is it harder to be friends or lovers? How did it come to this? Stop asking yourself so many questions and concentrate on the here and now. Some things will always remain a mystery, no matter how many questions you ask. If you want the bottom line, it's about learning to laugh. When in doubt, check in with the ecstatic nature of the universe.

6.24.2004

the men who broke my heart

---

the gemini said why did u have to go and fall in love with me now?

the other gemini said i will never settle down... ever.

the sagittarius kissed me and then made best friends with the first gemini

the cancer said for whatever it's worth, i will love u forever [me: well how do u know? him: i'm just that way]

the scorpio just ignored me

the libra was married

the leo said i was not his type

the aquarius was too young

the aries was a bully

the capricorn never confessed his never ending love

the taurus wanted to move every 2 years

one pisces cheated incessantly

the other still hangs around with no purpose or clear direction whatsoever



i'm sure there are rumors out there about me too
good sense
dirty thoughts
i think i'm gonna go with one of these family matchings and see how it goes

i know u guys want me to stay single and write this bullshit for the rest of my life, but i'm tired of believing that my other half exists
my lawyer friend: it's been so hard

me: i know

my lawyer friend: when is it gonna end? i'm tired

me: only the first 100 years is hard and we've pretty much lived half of it

my lawyer friend: but i'm younger, i dont wanna die last, but then again i don't wanna die first either

me: yeah u'll miss out on all the fun

my lawyer friend: i know, promise me u won't do anything fun after i die

me: i promise
my wants are simple: can we go out have some beer and smoke a cigarrette afterwards?
people say: it's easy for u to let things go

it's all a matter of practice i suppose... when u constantly have to let go of things and people u love throughout ur life, u learn how to... u have to in order to survive... it may all seem easy on the outside... but inside, it's the same shit except u're aware of the process and u ride the wave... aren't we all immigrants after all? u should know this...
i've been so fuckin disciplined oh yeah
i've had so much self control oh yeah
i'm all that yeah
oh i'm so cool i haven't written for 10 days wow
at first it felt like a bad divorce
but i pulled through oh yeah
i managed to disconnect yeah yeah
oh i'm such a strong fuckin human oh yeah
people are so quick to decide what others "need"
3 grays and i'm still getting carded

i don't know which part of me it is that doesn't wanna grow up
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering

or the other way around
the shampoo is permanently relocated.

6.14.2004

Ctrl+Alt+Delete
If you could solve this darkness you would have me.
This causeless melancholy that comes with rain,
Or on such days as this when large wet snowflakes
Drop heavily, with rain...whence rises this?

...

This is my house, and now, perhaps, you know me.
Yet I confess, for all my best intentions,
Once more I have deceived you...I withhold
The one thing precious, the one dark thing that guides me;
And I have spread two snares for you, of lies.

the whole story...
when u met me 2 years ago i was laid off from work, had moved in with my parents and hadn't found what i was looking for

now, i have a job, live away from my parents and STILL haven't found what i'm looking for

6.13.2004

the infinite slew of matchmakers

they think the higher the degree on a male, the more interesting the person! so and so's got a post doctorate in atomic such and such, interested?! hmmm... well... let's see... what does that prove again?! wait, does he have a tattoo?! ok then, no... well then so and so has a post post doctorate in #%##&&*()$##@!@! such and such and such, interested? hmmm... well... let's see... no?! he also has 2 kids who are in college... ok... i see... and where are his abilities to find someone for himself with that degree? i see... ok... does HE have a tattoo? ok then no, next...

when are u getting married? 'mordim az bas toro tanhA didim' we're tired of seeing u by urself all the time... we want a wedding so we can go to it, eat, get drunk and talk behind ur back after it's all over! ok... i love event planning, i'll plan the wedding u guys bring the groom, is that fair? ok... let's call so and so right now, ok? hmmm... well... let's see... NO!

the mistake of going to grown-up dinner parties! are degrees to the human male like colorful feathers for the bird male?!!

forget about my cowboy... where have all the artists and free-thinkers gone?!
barberry rice and chicken anyone?!

tonight at 7:00
vanilla

6.12.2004

my self







my place







my forced hobby







of the middle-aged women one is staring at me while pj hums in my ear

earlier i had met with a friend and he was talking about how we're in an era of ageism and then i get to the train and at 8:15 pm on a work day there's nothing but middle-aged women waiting for the train--with their briefcases and tote bags [one bag reads 'government documents round table' - its owner pacing the platform whispering to herself] another is conversing with the tunnel expecting arrival... i get on and another sits right next to me and adjusts her flower accessorized red shoes talking to her blisters

blue hair of that guy and bald head of this guy pale in comparison--tonight it's all about middle-aged women and their ongoing conversations
i don't know if the exterminators came or not!

6.11.2004

i would do well here

6.10.2004

sometimes you just want someone to be urs, no?
she's a bit too thin for my taste, but i really wanna marry pj harvey
i wanna marry pj harvey
this coming monday marks 2 years of blogging for me, it also marks 9 months at my new job

people give birth in 9 months, what have i done?!

i mean have i REALLY added value to the overall goals and objectives of the enterprise?! have i really contributed to our big hairy audacious goal also known as the BHAG?!!!
polly jean, u make me proud to be a woman! goosebumps inside and out.

6.09.2004

is it only me who has friends with violent tendencies or does it go around?!

i used to have a friend who daydreamed about slashing people's knees

i have another friend who constantly threatens me with knives or any other sharp objects around

my other friend talks about kicking babies in the face so they grow up with problems

and yet another talks about rolling people naked in honey and then feathers and then rolling them down a steep hill
guys and girls CAN be just friends.

6.08.2004

i swear to god i posted the 666 post before the poem... the muni guy story was the 666th... but somehow the 666 post got posted after the poem... now why is that?! that had NEVER happened before!
we're captivated by others all the time, wanting to know them, to absorb them, to stare at them, but isn't it weird when we're on the receiving side, when someone wants to get to know u, who u are, what u do, how u grew, it's like what's so special, it's just me, just like u, makin a livin, what's to know, but we're captivated by others all the time,
i'll be forever scared of behind the shampoo!
violated paper
slap in face
red trembling nerves
saturated rage

(no no
i can't do this
i've slowed down
i've slowed down)

breeze
swiping
sweeping
slumber
eyes half open
fingers numb
and slender
head bopping
legs crossing
barely blinking
it's taking over
pencil tipped over
snooze
that last post was my 666th post!
just when u think u've run out of things to say something amazing happens... it was really windy in SF this morning (as usual) and when i got off the train i got on muni for another one station so i don't have to walk in the wind... and when i get on muni i usually board on the driver side and stand by the driver pit for that one station... so i get on and i'm standing there and the muni driver (an african american man, say in his late 40s, early 50s with salt/pepper hair) opens the door to the pit and asks me to join him in there! and i'm like ?!?!!! and he's like it's ok, u can see what i'm doing (do i really wanna know?!)... and i'm like what the hell, i always wondered how u operate one of these things anyway... and i get in... and he tells me all about how this thing is on auto pilot most of the time and he doesn't have to do much and i'm like oh, do u get bored then and he's like naaa and i'm like that's cool and he's like yeah... and this is just 2 minutes max cause one station is nothing and i'm like i have to get off here and he's like ohhh u have to go and i'm like yeah but thanx so much for the tour! and he's like ur welcome have a wonderful day and i'm like will do! and i get off and walk two blocks to work and on my way i see this one pigeon bullying 5 or 6 others.

6.07.2004

ha ha! SUCKERS! the exterminators are coming this friday!

6.05.2004

they lost me... last night... we were sitting at the bar... and this 52 year old guy was sitting next to us alone... and i wanted to know why he's alone... and we started talking to him... and i asked him a bunch of questions... his wife had fallen for a younger man and left him... he said it hurt... i said she probably needed to find herself... he said that's what she said... i said would u take her back... he said no he's comfortable... he likes it this way now... i said he should take her back... things may be better now... and then my friend and him started talking and completely lost me... i phased out... drowned in alcohol and my own thoughts... i found my quiet place... and it was nice there... i didn't care anymore that his wife had left him and that most wives leave... even if not physically, emotionally they leave... so do husbands... after a while we leave whatever it is that we wanted in the beginning... and then some capricorn who somehow got into the conversation told me that i'm full of contradiction... out of nowhere... and i came out of my quiet place.
what do u know... behind the shampoo... made the huge mistake of not checking behind the shampoo before i jump into the shower... i checked the towels... and all the corners... but NOT behind the shampoo... so i reached for the shampoo and there it was... right behind it... another one of the same kind... so i made a mess... jumped out... made everything wet... thankfully i had the option of the drain this time! directed the shower head at it and made it go down the drain while shaking the whole time... i swear my knees were gonna give in beneath me... i know it's stuck in the drain... it was too big... at least some of the legs are there... not that it's alive, no... but some body remnants are there... they are everywhere i fear they would be... like behind the shampoo! in the water can... in the towels... in my clothes... behind the dresser... in my shoes... probably in my CDs... under the bed... in the cardboard cylinder in the middle of the toilet paper roll... behind the garbage can... in the big black bag that i take to work everyday which has nothing in it but junk and paper... i know... they hide in all those places... and i'm gonna find them one by one... i know one day too they'll be in my towel... how come all i fear comes true? the exact same scenarios... how come everything i don't fear doesn't come true?!
i'm sitting here
all by myself
and i can hear the upstair neighbor's
footsteps
rushing around
like my music's too loud
this persian guy
who was wearing a navy suit today
80s style
with a mustache
an 80s smile
and right at this moment
i'm dying to relate to someone
but somehow
all the ones i think i can relate to
are not
especially
the ones i think i can relate to
the most
the ones
that can give me
objective
views
and news
and i have to get used to this
and be content
with my candles
and night light
and green comforter
somehow
i have to swallow it
and don't give in
to new temptations
to new false adventures
to those who can consume me
whole
and make me lose myself
all over again
sitting here
alone
coldplay singing
"i was lost... oh yeah"
guitar riffs
jealousy
"i'll be loving u always"
"i'll wait in line always"
that's all that can understand me
those lines
and me those lines
and now i understand
everyone that's ever felt this way
but when they forget
how they felt
they can't relate
just like everyone else
and these lines
don't mean anything
they're just there for the
moment
and when i look at them tomorrow
they'll be blurry and vague
like the next
person's feelings
i'm so lost
and so thirsty
for understanding
and caress
from an invisible
constant
hand

6.04.2004

i was in this emotional state
yeah emotional state
this emotional state
and i didn't know what to do
really didn't know
didn't know what to do
so i just went around and asked people
i asked people
went around and asked people
and then i came to this
to this
to this realization
this realization
that it's just what it is
what it is
it's just what it is
and then it spun
and spun
it spun a web
out of nowhere
i had this web
this spun web
this web of thoughts
out of nowhere
this huge web
like spiders where everywhere
everywhere
spiders were everywhere
out of nowhere
just spinning
and i was spinning
spinning
i was spinning
and then u were spinning
u were spinning
and all these things spun
they spun
and i landed
i landed
i landed on this land
this land out there
out there
somewhere
somewhere far
somewhere i had never see
somewehre
and it was just there
it was there
it was there that i found
that i was dizzy
dizzy from the spinning
dizzy from the walk
i was dizzy
from the journey
dizzy from the journey
this journey
this endless journey
journey
just going
going
just going
and going
going
never stopping
never stopping
going
never stopping
going
never stopping
never stopping
going
stop
stop
stop
stop
ok

6.03.2004

head body

flying green patented
taxonomies
tables
rows
columns

H

hanging
flank steak green
fixated
fetuccini on
kitchen clean

T

suspended
suspected
white-green
halo
code
background break

M

exhibit
legs-fur
suffering glass
ring
camera green
film
negative ping

L

canibal
hanibal
quenching green
static
active
link

bold

end tag
gnaz got up this morning, we found the spider, and she killed it for me

i love u gnaz :-)

and my love is not 'average'

but don't believe those who preach love

ok ok, i'll stop :-) i just had to continue with the bukowski theme :-) he gets under ur skin
to bukowski:

there's a spider under my bed that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay under there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.

there's a spider under my bed that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the man-whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
under there.

there's a spider under my bed that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay there, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw my already
fucked up head?
you want to blow my cover in
my weblog?

there's a spider under my bed that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
por-roo.

then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
under there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a woman
afraid, but I’m not
afraid, are
you?
this IS my psychiatrist's chair u realize?
u know though... only bukowski could get away with those poems... cause he did something new in his time... he wrote poetry in a way that no one thought possible at the time... if u write something like that right now they deem it adolescent and unpolished... but how do u rise above that when everything's been done?!
migan Adam harchi badesh miyAd, saresh miyAd--whatever u dislike, happens to u... 5:45 AM i come to from this really nice deep sleep... u know, the kind that has u sinking in the bed... and as soon as i open my eyes, what do i see? another one of those plump brown spiders right in front of my face on the wall! and for that i lost 45 minutes of good sleep... i'm like ok... i'll get up and check e-mail and wait for gnaz to get up and kill it... and i'll just keep and eye on the thing to know where it is... but i got distracted with bukowski again and i turned around and it was gone... nowhere to be found... that sucks ass! now i know it's here but i have no idea where... i'm gonna go take a shower... and when i come back... it may be in my clothes... or in my shoes... or behind the mirror... or under the bed... or it may just crawl out and wait by my feet... and i may step on it... it could be under my towel right now... or in the tub... who knows... it can be anywhere! uhhh... so much for prayers! wish me luck...

6.02.2004

another awesome bukowski:

There is enough treachery, hatred,
violence,
Absurdity in the average human
being
To supply any given army on any given
day.
AND The Best At Murder Are Those
Who Preach Against It.
AND The Best At Hate Are Those
Who Preach LOVE
AND THE BEST AT WAR
--FINALLY--ARE THOSE WHO
PREACH
PEACE

Those Who Preach GOD
NEED God
Those Who Preach PEACE
Do Not Have Peace.
THOSE WHO PREACH LOVE
DO NOT HAVE LOVE
BEWARE THE PREACHERS
Beware The Knowers.

Beware
Those Who
Are ALWAYS
READING
BOOKS

Beware Those Who Either Detest
Poverty Or Are Proud Of It

BEWARE Those Quick To Praise
For They Need PRAISE In Return

BEWARE Those Quick To Censure:
They Are Afraid Of What They Do
Not Know

Beware Those Who Seek Constant
Crowds; They Are Nothing
Alone

Beware
The Average Man
The Average Woman
BEWARE Their Love

Their Love Is Average, Seeks
Average
But There Is Genius In Their Hatred
There Is Enough Genius In Their
Hatred To Kill You, To Kill
Anybody.

Not Waiting Solitude
Not Understanding Solitude
They Will Attempt To Destroy
Anything
That Differs
From Their Own

Not Being Able
To Crate Art
They Will Not
Understand Art

They Will Consider Their Failure
As Creators
Only As A Failure
Of The World

Not Being Able To Love Fully
They Will BELIEVE Your Love
Incomplete
AND THEN THEY WILL HATE
YOU

And Their Hatred Will Be Perfect
Like A Shining Diamond
Like A Knife
Like A Mountain
LIKE A TIGER
LIKE Hemlock

Their Finest
ART
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.

then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

Charles Bukowski

---

don't even think about missing the documentary... it's worth every second, every penny and every word u write

or don't write

6.01.2004

lights... off.
"And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Oh, all that I know,
There’s nothing here to run from,
’cause everybody here’s got somebody to lean on."