5.31.2004

trailer trash thin
cigarette in hand
eyeing the machines
to bet her dollar on
poker or black jack
jack pot arms
harley tough
leather attitude
jeans faded to the thread
braided gratitude
for life and its bearings
sides and condiments
her majesty enters
with tire smell tresses
and oil can stride
sunken teeth frown
sits and ponders digits
counting vana whites
my parents are so god damn cool
every time i live away from them i realize more how cool they are
sometimes i wish they had disciplined me more
but no, i like it this way better
i mean, how many people can get drunk with their parents and laugh the bar out?!
"chi begam man tak o tanhA
vaghti tAreeki miyAd
tooyeh tAreeki mitarsam
ageh mahtAb bemireh"
we're all complex beings
our minds work in mysterious ways
we have oddities and inconsistencies
and we scare each other in that way

the difference between u and i is
that i throw my weirdnesses out there
no matter how contradictory
and i'm ok that way

but u
you keep them inside
thinking that people
will deem u sane that way

with me
what u see
is what u get

with u
well...

with u
nothing
cause i'll never know u that way
did i say i had a dream the other night where the neighbor down the street was chopping up a body with a chainsaw?!
there's a box of books and a bread maker in the middle of the living room! and i'm not touching them until gnaz gets back.
don't remember me when i'm gone!
remember me now!

leaving something behind is overrated.
it's to make us feel better about death.
the trivia? it was wrong!

it's supposed to be: e.v.o.o.

me and my idealism.
for most of the day today, interrupted by occasional e-mail checking and writing, i was cleaning house... i mean i really cleaned... i scrubbed the kitchen, the bathroom, the tub, the walls, the floors... this anal thing i've inherited from my mom... i vacuumed too... and caught all the spider webs in the corners with the vacuum attachment... all the while thinking that usually when u clean and catch all the spider webs, the spiders all come out to play! so i waited and nothing... didn't even see one... until bed time... i went to turn off the light and this huge brown thing that could grow up to be a tarantula stared me in the face laughing... right by the switch... made me jump, scream and walk around frantically trying to decide on the next move... i thought about several different scenarios to kill it while my heart was racing like seabiscuit... it was too big... much bigger than at my parents'... so finally what i did was to take a big heavy box of unpacked books and drop it on the horror... and i thought i was done... came to my room... busied myself on my computer... went back to turn off the tv and what do u know? another one of the same kind in the middle of the living room! ok, i'm freaked at this point... i used the same technique... this time the unpacked bread maker landed on the fuzzy thing... i looked all around me kinda crouched... thinking that at any time one may land on my head from the ceiling and crawl all over me... there was a smaller one by the window, but it was way up there and there was no way i was gonna attempt to reach it... what if it jumped at me and crawled all over me?! this is the problem with living alone... who's gonna kill the spiders? and i'm not even used to this kind... i have not developed any kind of immunity for them... what if they crawl over me while i sleep and go into my ears? right now i have my legs high up on the chair while i'm writing this and checking my bedroom doorway periodically... i think i'm gonna shut the bedroom door tonight... i think they're all in the living room right now planning their attack on me... the lights will definitely stay on tonight again...
i just found out about this! i'm there!

5.30.2004

e.v.o.l.

whoever figures out what that is wins something... i don't know what yet... something...


shadi@pink in SF
i was at the bead store on valencia, between 21st and 22nd, frantically trying to finish a pair of earrings i had started, like world peace depended on it, when farsak finally arrived... following him into the store this girl in all black, with short finger nails painted in matte gray and the coolest beads in the world... she had white in her long straight black hair like she didn't care and she handled her candy-colored beads delicately as if to not wanting to leave fingerprints behind... she had very short answers to every question she was asked, completely occupied with auditioning her beads to see what goes with what for her next necklace...

so back on valencia walking towards 16th i tell farsak: i love this neighborhood, i wanna live here, such odd characters here, everyone's so cool, did u see that girl back at the bead store? she was so cool... why can't i be that cool?

farsak: are u kidding? it's all on the outside, she wasn't that cool, it was a facade...

me: but even her beads were cool

farsak: ...

so later at an eclectic store around valencia and 17th i say: this store is so cool, u think if we owned everything in this store we would be cool too?

farsak: yes

me: yes

farsak: what if they took everything away though? would we still be cool? we wouldn't be anymore...

me: no

farsak: ...

me: let's go have chimay at that tapas bar we just passed by and get drunk

farsak: ok

so after a few $7 delicious belgian beers and roasted pork loin skewers with figs and port reduction i say: i don't know what else i want, i'm perfectly happy right now, on top of the world, what else would i want? everything's dandy...

farsak: ...

so later k1 arrives and i say: have some $7 beers with us...

k1: $7?!

so we contemplate and muse over why one should have $7 beers, ripping the concept into pieces and putting it back together over and over again...

k1: well, the thing is tomorrow at work if the subject comes up i can say that i've had this beer and it was $7

farsak: and the subject always comes up, like the guy that always talks about his porsche...

me: and u know how cool u would be if u say that u actually had this beer when the subject comes up? it's all about what u have experienced, people are so impressed by the things people have done even if it's having had an oddly named beer in a tapas bar in san francisco, some people never even leave their neighborhood, and that's what makes u cool, having had the beer that someone mentions, that's what makes u cool...

k1: no it's not

me: yes it is

farsak: ...

-----

gnaz, missed ur participation in our intellectual conversations as usual :-)
"i awake to find no peace of mind"
sipping my coffee in solitude
checking my e-mail in solitude
making my bed in solitude
listening to music in solitude
walking around the house in solitude
reading in solitude
putting makeup on in solitude
staring at walls in solitude
getting dressed in solitude
living in solitude
loving in solitude
leaving in solitude
i hate leaving the lights on at night
but i leave the lights on at night

5.29.2004

uhhh, the sweet air of independence!

sometimes it feels so good...

5.28.2004

5 white hair
3 white hair
1 white hair

what's up with that?!

it's understandable for me, but u guys are way too young for that!!! don't let life rule u... RULE!

(i never said i take my own advice)
i also would like to join a cult!
i want a beagle!
weaknesses are good
just like everything else
a part of life
nothing wrong with admitting to them
or even this:

it's always when i put my head on the pillow
always

that's when the core surfaces
the vulnerability escapes

and i stand naked

everything else is a front
that i put up

everything else
is a lie
or it could go something like this:

it's always when i put my head on the pillow
always

that's when the core surfaces
the vulnerability escapes

that's when the real me comes out
with no shield

the asshole
that i can truly be

5.27.2004

it's always when i put my head on the pillow
always

that's when the core surfaces
the vulnerability escapes


or maybe i'm just an asshole like everyone else
have to get used to my loneliness all over again
Thus I
Pass by
And die,
As one,
Unknown,
And gone:
I'm made
A shade,
And laid
I'th grave,
There have
My cave.
Where tell
I dwell,
Farewell.

Robert Herrick
"Heaven please send to all mankind,
Understanding and peace of mind.
But, if it's not asking too much
Please send me someone to love."
i've started this and i don't know how to end it:


like a slow fast forward
like a bird's feeding frenzy
sunflower here
corn there
water, feather
essential
oils of the orient flowers
exotic
dripping
on smooth surface
running heavy
down the marble-
like texture of
sensitized skin
down to the hidden crevices
creased with sweat
sticky like fear
damp like anticipation
a hand raised
fist under chin
pillowy caress
of fat fingers
resisting grave thoughts

(it was here that i was born fast
dropped like an egg
into the cloud
that rained consciousness
hands reached
grabbed me
spreading my soul on a cross
of not religion
but algebra)

knees knocked
against the headboard
awoke separation
of sense and matter
skin and stone
sight and scene
sound and stereo
affected
like infection
yellow with lust
with liquor's
stumbling steps
dizzy infinity
circling friends
reaching out
once again

(in the cold i sat
on the sand
naked to the thoughts
the center empty
of promises once
so close
burying toes
to reach dampness
impressed
with longevity
of blood
in veins)

dragging feet
plastic heels
polished and brushed
nails in pink
route 66
tiger claw tips
ready to rip
sparkling ring
spotless intelligence grips
highlighted words
forgotten
immortality
"i didn't want it
to end this way
but it did"

(dark motel shadowed
back to the wall
cigarette in palm
smoke floats up
nostrils tight
lips clenched
deep in height
patiently waiting
for tears to drown)

this is where it begins
this is where it ends
this is where comprehension
hangs
and falls
connections fail
amongst the trees
of pleasant hills
the northeast

(where are these faces going
what is it like
do they have hope
in their lives
behind those
sleepy eyes)

"hope lingers
in the layers
of baked cake
with candles
as we celebrate
another year"

charmagne dancing
charmagne prancing
charmagne 80
charmagne in school
getting her phd
charmagne is one
charmagne goes on
estranged daughter
nowhere to be found
but charmagne goes on

rich experiences
rich thoughts
rich husbands
rich days
richer nights
seeking comfort
in rich chocolate
sauce
camouflage thighs
struggling to journey
camouflage lives

...
rosary in experienced hands
prada on shoulder
painted red lips whispering
behind my ear
browsing the platform
waiting

say a prayer for me too
oh woman of god.
this was supposed to be posted on monday!

---

gnaz was supposed to come back today
but she came back last night
my first night at the new place

so we dined on
buttery chardonnay
4-year barrel aged vinegar
rosemary olive oil
goat gouda cheese
french bread and
salted smoked almonds
digging up and sharing cassette tapes
from the 80s and 90s
comparing notes

but when it came to bed time
it was still all new
the room
the fresh out of storage furniture
the bed
the carpet
the drapes
but most of all the unfamiliar smell
of my pillow
against
my
unwashed
face
i know... there's stuff to write... but i've been busy getting used to my new place and playing with my newly unpacked books...

5.22.2004

"laughter signifies the death of an emotion"

did nietzsche really say this?! i must be emotionless then!

5.21.2004

Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your loving like the sunshine
And everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime

right here
Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.

Clementine: But you will! But you will, and i'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.

Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

Joel: I remember that speech really well.

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?

Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.

Clementine: Probably.

Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.
don't care how long ur arms and legs are, please keep'em to urself when u're on public transportation!

i hate it when people don't observe others' personal space!
sorry! i just had to end it that way!

?!??!!!
concentrate
concentrate on the outside
concentrate on the jacket
on the shirt
concentrate on the shoes
on the shimmer
on the shine
on the sheen
inside worlds are not real
they're what we make them out to be

concentrate on that guy's oversized headphones
that lady's overdone hair
concentrate on the third world
not the world that you have built

concentrate on how fast the train moves
concentrate on how much you make
concentrate on the color of the walls
not on what's behind them

concentrate
concentrate on what's real
what you can taste, touch, and sometimes feel
concentrate on coffee table books
not autobiographies

(and the girl coughed
and coughed
and coughed
with her hand on her mouth
and i wondered all along
if it was my aroma)

concentrate on the delay
and the malfunctioning breaks
not why it happened
not what future it presents
concentrate hard
on the germs in the air

cover yourself good
don't despair
concentrate
concentrate
don't let go
concentrate
concentrate
on the show
on the pillow
on the poor
on the carpets
in cairo
(even though you may not know)
concentrate on the door
on the color
on the shape
on the hinges
that it turns
not what its entrance
curtails

(cell phones--everyone on cell phones--calling work--calling to say--they'll be late--to that meeting--to take care--of that important--action item--to submit that report--late--very late--delays--delays everywhere--delays consuming them--taking minutes out of days--days that will go by fast--go by fast and not return--such important things we take--care of and concentrate on--what matter does it have--what difference do they make--i'm getting off track--i'm getting off track--concentrate)

concentrate
the brakes are fixed
moving along
concentrate
concentrate
concentrate on the gun.
'people' have always been the central part of my life though... and hence...

5.20.2004

emotions are never cheap.
"For I have seen so much contradiction and heard so many words, and my sight has scraped the surface of so many objects--this thin but hard membrane which the soul hides behind--that I do not believe anything anymore. I even have doubts to the stability and weight, and the apparent and obvious truths of the present moment. I do not know that if I touch the stone grinder in the corner of our courtyard and ask it: "are you real?" should I believe its reply or not if the answer is positive."

Blind Owl
Saadegh Hedaayat
and to make things worse, my non-judgmental roommate/best friend/soother/confidant is not gonna be around much...
yup... i feel misunderstood... and this blog habit is not helping... and neither am i
don't judge me

u don't know me

u only know

what i'm willing to present
laugh as much as u want but i was unpacking and i found this essay i had written for a phych class back in 93 titled: introducing the hardline according to shadi (stolen from terence trent darby's album)... the first sentence was this: "i opened my eyes on march 5, 1969 to this world of misunderstandings." all in capital letters!
i've been accused of:

-wanting to be the center of attention (i only want to share the spotlight)
-being dramatic (i feel things to the extreme)
-not knowing what i want (i've just given up on finding what i do want)
-mixing my friends (i want to include everyone)
-loving everyone (i have faith in people)
-being selfish (i need to take care of me sometimes)
-being angry (i shut down and hide when i'm hurt)

but as soon as i stop everyone wonders where i am

i feel rejected and misunderstood
i've always given genuine love and attention to significant people in my life... it's just that they've been so fixated on my attention to others that they haven't noticed theirs
want my soul?
i'd rather die!
at least the devil offers something in return!
my problem has always been 'people'

5.19.2004

i just wanna run away
that's all i wanna do at this moment
just RUN THE FUCK AWAY
from everything
me: i'm having dinner with my friend so and so
mom: are u sure u're having dinner with so and so?
me: yes, who else would i be having dinner with?
mom: with so and so?
me: am i that stupid?
mom: yes
me: well no worries, i haven't been in touch with so and so for a long time

guess what?! so and so just called out of the blue!
so what am i doing for my blog's b'day?! gotta plan in advance!

i just realized that my blog is a gemini! jesus christ! that explains the multiple personalities!

5.18.2004

multiple choice:

a. boring
b. interesting
c. jennifer lopez
d. green alien from outer space
e. none of the above
f. all of the above
g. a & d
h. b & d
i. a & c
j. c & d

(where do i get off labeling people?!)
"the accumulation of rich experiences... creates a richer life," the researchers conclude.
and "this ridiiiiiculous obsession with love!"
as far back as i can remember, i always wanted to be one of the guys
a conversation with k1 the addict:

k1: have u seen spotless mind yet?
me: no
k1: u have to see it, that girl in there reminds me of u... has anyone told u that u look like her?
me: no
k1: she's one of those crazy emotional messes
me: oh

and for a second there i thought he meant the kate winslet thing as a compliment!

5.17.2004

i've learned that if i want interesting people in my life then i have to put up with their interestingness!

5.16.2004

soosan.
did i say that my roommate is gnaz?!
please don't write long posts

i have short attention span
i moved away from the safety of home

come visit

and stay for tea

or coffee

made with my new

french press

and share

what

awaits

me
"i thought that you knew it all
well you've seen it ten times before
i thought that you had it down
with both your feet on the ground
i love slow... slow but deep
feigned affections wash over me
dream on my dear
and renounce temporal obligations
dream on my dear
it's a sleep from which you may not awaken

you build me up then you knock me down
you play the fool while i play the clown
we keep time to the beat of an old slave drum
you raise my hopes then you raise the odds
you tell me that I dream too much
now I'm serving time in disillusionment
i don't believe you anymore... i don't believe you

i thought that i knew it all
i'd seen all the signs before
i thought that you were the one
in darkness my heart was won

you build me up then you knock me down
you play the fool while i play the clown
we keep time to the beat of an old slave drum
you raise my hopes then you raise the odds
you tell me that i dream too much
now i'm serving time in a domestic graveyard
i don't believe you anymore... i don't believe you

never let it be said i was untrue
i never found a home inside of you
never let it be said i was untrue
i gave you all my time"

get it

5.12.2004

sometimes it's hard to breathe

but it's not always for the same reasons
it's all been said before.

5.07.2004

it's the weekend

time to distract myself
self-indulgence
instant gratification
speed
boxes
closets
doors
trunks
dark alleys
stairways
anything u can hide in or behind
i'll take it
sometimes i think that i've accepted myself for who i am

but i'm dead wrong
i have one gray hair that i stare at every day

i don't know how i'm going to react when i get more
how we become curiosities to people
and how we're discarded as soon as the curiosity is quenched
this is it
this is my life
this is it
take it or leave it shadi
take it
or
leave
it
cause


this



is




it

5.06.2004

i should had asked for a million bucks! but i got something way better... 311 chick is an official blogger now! and to start it all off with she's asking for a beard!!! :-)

i’m ecstatic! but i wonder when she's going to hate me for it!
i've been one big fat ball of emotions and although it's nice it's wearing me out... i feel drained... physically, mentally and emotionally... so i'm trying to distract myself and bring it down to earth by reading practical books such as 'the discipline of market leaders'... i'm reading up on operational excellence, product innovation and customer intimacy... i think my job is actually good for me! how much more real can it get?!

5.04.2004

ken moved to the star program and we're under sally now
sally is the VP of operations
she's a petite but powerful woman in her 60s
with a huge amount of business experience
she comes from 22 years at a company with military bearing
which makes her very task oriented and serious
so when she gathered us all together for a talk
to break her ice cold image
she talked about her personal life first

mostly her husband

she married her high school sweetheart
they have been together for 36 years
he lives and works in texas
she travels back and forth from san francisco to see him
despite the distance
they have one-hour+ phone conversations every night
while she's chopping vegetables in the kitchen
they talk on the speaker phone
they talk about business
they talk about life
they talk about love
he has great insights she says
he's a successful man as well, in the oil business
they help each other stay strong she says
he is her friend
her husband
and her business partner
the more pillars u have in life
the more solid ur foundation she says
they help each other stay strong she says
she loves him she says

how many of us are lucky in that way?
how many of us try?
and how many of us dive in without fear of failing
and in hope of realizing a life like that?

my manager turned around and said with indifference
my husband and i don't talk
we don't HAVE anything to talk about
311 chick! u need a blog!
after hanging out at coffee shops, walking the streets of potrero hill, looking at houses and daydreaming about the future, going to the park and getting on the swings and slides and monkey bars:

311 chick: damn... i haven't seen kill bill 2 yet... my goal was to see it by this weekend
me: damn... u're so goal oriented!
farsak: damn... i was gonna say what kind of a goal is that?!!

we're all so different... but our basic needs are the same

to reach for the sun; to dig down for water; eternally
last night i dreamt of deploying microsoft sharepoint team sites at the enterprise level the whole night!

i think my job's getting to me!
meet my new virtual friend

5.03.2004

something in ur soul
is close to mine
or is it just the full moon?
i feel so good
and i don't wanna come down
on the train
heading north
heading home
to the unknown

faces pass
faces stare
blank

some smile
holding tight
some let go

i am
a melting pot
hot lava
winter snow

wanting to soar
to forget
wanting to blink
at the blank stare

to my right
solid structure
to my left
moving speed

passing by
heading north
nothing to see

apple plum seed
sunburned sweet
my stomach empty
wasted
healthy scream

one gets on
one gets off
gravel and stone
sand paper rough
but soft spoken hips

one is sleep
mumbling lips
hands to the sky
how talk is cheap

moving forward
full velocity
time to head north
once again cold

the buzz of wheels
noting destination
destined to reach

home is close
home is harbor
home is new

air heavy with mist
kiss drenched
listless
bliss

5.02.2004

there's a building in san francisco on market street called the james bong building!

bong... james bong!!!
we end up with boring people in our lives all the time out of fear and insecurity... boring people are safe... it doesn't take much to figure them out...

u wanna be safe? use a condom! the consequences of not doing that is a lot worse!
yup... right now... at 11:05 a.m. on sunday morning, may 2nd, 2004... it sure feels lonely.
vicodin is overrated.

5.01.2004

moving words by the ever present and aware webgard
my mom just reminded me of last year around this time...

amazing... last year this time i had these feelings... feelings are always there, one way or another... as martha stewart says: "it's a good thing"

i don't think i had ever waited for anything in my life for so long... and when i finally did go to iran, it did change and impact me in a major way... probably my biggest changing experience ever...