4.30.2004

i am tree
high and green
thick and thin
bark and seed

i am bird
flying free
dancing feet
feathers and beak

i am sky
far and above
blue and green
raining wild

i am earth
stable and brown
round and vast
spinning fast

i am anger
furious, fast
speeding past
squinting glance

i am love
soft and vague
stumbling along
blind as bat

i am law
ruler of land
controlling hand
boring, bland

i am woman
emotion inside
a grand pillar
standing tall

i am human
brain and heart
conflicted thought
configuring life
love has become a commodity.

4.29.2004

current conversation with myself in my head: shadi, easy... take it easy on the words... choose ur words carefully... easy... easy... don't be so quick... don't react... u're freaking everyone out... that's not who u are... easy... please... exercise control... learn... please...

4.28.2004

ok... one more thing before i go...

i'm nothing like my blog.

but my blog becomes me sometimes.

no one's perfect u know...
warning: writers' block around the corner!

and it's gonna hit me hard in the head soon
(i'm talking stitches and all!)

it usually happens after a period of excessive blogging
a blog-diet is in order

a diet of over-exagerated dramatic words that move but scare people
why are people scared of emotions?
why are people scared of showing emotions?
why are people scared?
i don't get it.
k1, yes, we do have conversations with ourselves
that's why we have blogs
to pretend we're actually talking to an audience!
i'm down to earth
i can feel
or not feel
either way
i'll write indeed
i'm all for risks
to not risk
is to not feel
and that's deadly
to someone like me
49% faith. 51% doubt.

mixed with some relief and hypocrisy here and there.

that's what makes us human.

4.27.2004

mAni reminded me of this dire straists song:

"Here I am again in this mean old town
And you're so far away from me
And where are you when the sun goes down
You're so far away from me

So far away from me
So far I just can't see
So far away from me
You're so far away from me"

i was 16 and i fell in love with a boy in turkey while visiting
the boy fell in love with me
but he lived in bahrain
and i lived in iran
he was a distant cousin
her mom had brought me a gold ring when i was born
so everyone thought we were practically engaged
it was such a nice fairytale
everyone was waiting for a wedding
we moved to LA
he moved to NY
we were together for 6 years
most of it long distance
he recorded that dire straits song for me
and cheated a lot
what bullshit
can u take it all away
can u take it all away

i know... i wanted to repeat
so anyway... back to real life once again...

remember grandpa? he's sick again... and this time it's time... i heard from my cousin in iran today... he said don't even bother changing ur travel plans cause he won't even know u're here... he's lost his memory... his face is full of bruises cause he keeps falling and still won't let anyone help him (how can he remember his pride?)... and he has nasty bedsores... and all i could think about was to get my hands on that letter that i wrote him years back that i know he's kept... all i could think about was that freakin' letter so i can post it here! in his memory and to prove what a jerk i am... i'll never forget the reoccurring dreams of him... i hope he remembers them too... and takes them with him...

how short life is and how truly insignificant we and our emotions are... at the end it's all the same... who will hold YOUR hands on ur dying day my friends?
i wanna fucking swear so fucking bad. but instead i'll go take a fucking shower. fuck!
my current top 10 list in no particular order:

10. vintage tees
9. gojeh sabz pits
8. 80's hits
7. scars and splits
6. stories about adolescent mischief and grief
5. coconut shrimp
4. chAyee in the mornings
3. Patron margharittas with lime bits
2. genuine hugs
1. short art films
can u take it all away (2)
i woke up this morning and my dad was singing in the shower.
ok... back to reality...

4.24.2004

off to san diego... see u guys next week...

4.22.2004

wow! i hadn't written with a pencil for so long... it feels so nice! i'm gonna go erase now!
is this legit??????????

(i just counted all those question marks to make sure it's a number i like! freak!)
u know why i give so much credit to people? cause oddly enough i still have faith in them!
"what i used to think was me
is just a fading memory
i looked [her] right in the eye
and said goodbye"

4.21.2004

the other night i dreamt that i was recruited to fight the sea monster i'd created myself years back
i'm not crazy, i'm just drawn that way!
pounding
pounding
pounding
bekhodA it's gonna jump out
god damn it!
i'm so afraid i'm gonna forget that i wanna do it right now!

HAPPY EARLY B'DAY NIL! :-)
i'm obsessed
i'm obsessed
i'm obsessed



i'm obsessed







obsessed







i'm obsessed

4.19.2004

realization: i can't live without 3 "things"

1. my cell phone
2. my internet connection
3. my check card!

thank god i can still take pen and paper for granted!

4.18.2004

so the other night me and a few friends of mine ate out and then split the bill three ways on check cards... the next day i stopped to get gas and i noticed how beat up my card's become... and i'm talking to myself: wow... when did this happen? how come i never noticed before that my card's in such a bad shape? how non-observant of me! when did the magnetic strip get all wiped out? maybe the bartender put my card on the vodka soaked counter last night (would that wipe out the magnetic strip anyway?!!)... damn... when did all this happen? damn bartender!

anyway... i get gas and leave...

comes lunchtime and i go to the ATM to get some cash... i try three times and every time i get the message that my passcode is incorrect... again i'm talking to myself: damn! what is happening? why is it not working? what am i doing wrong? is it the strip? i should go inside and talk to a representative... i've never had this problem before... oh wait... that's not my name on the card! whose name is that??? oh my god! this is not my card! oh no... i got someone else's card... some total stranger's... oh no, wait... it's familiar... the name... oh... it's my friend's card! we've switched cards! ah! damn...

i call my friend and straighten things out after having calmed down from my freakish stage... we meet later and exchange cards...

so comes yesterday and i go to the grocery store and my card is denied! WHAT??? again? invalid account??? what does this all mean?

i call the bank and apparently at 1:24 pm yesterday, while i was at home, somebody has tried to charge $647 to my account... my bank has rejected the transaction which i'm very grateful for... how? i have no idea! the lady on the phone said that the people who look into this sorta thing are experts... whatever that means... but i'm glad they are cause somehow they knew that it wasn't me trying to make that transaction... i'm assuming someone got my info thru one of my many purchases on the net... who knows...

they cancelled my card and are issuing me a new one...
i guess i'm in a linkin' mood!
another one!!! :-)))
MUST read! :-)))

4.17.2004

"Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?"

here

4.16.2004

FUCK the circle of friends.

time to venture out and not get close or invest in any one person. they never meet ur values and expectations anyway.

4.14.2004

i got this cool choppy rock n roll haircut... where's the mic?

4.13.2004

in the dumps today.

my fish are swimming in opposite directions again.
so what if every other word ur "best" friend spills is unreasonable and/or hurtful? what then?

4.12.2004

to cut






or

not to cut


















my hair






a semi-poem semi-inspired by and semi-dedicated to 311 chick and zal:

enamored by u
but enameled by the korean lady down the street who also draws tiny little flowers for 3 bucks a toe
it's always a chore going to the "women's" doctor... much worse than going to the dentist... i mean who would want a pair of eyes fixated on their private parts for what always seems to be a VERY long time? and i have news for u... if u have a male doctor, there are 2 pairs of eyes involved... the docs and the nurse's so the doc won't get sued...

so i was sitting there this morning examining the other six women who were in the waiting room with me waiting to spread and be looked at, thinking that these docs must have seen a lot of things in their years of practice... i was trying to figure out how they were all so calm reading their john grisham books and health magazines while i was having a stomach ache just thinking about being next...

men, u're really lucky having ur private parts on the outside! makes things a lot easier... but u can't avoid a sigmoidoscopy just like the rest of us... so i guess i shouldn't feel too bad about this whole thing :-)
so remember that circle of friends i was talking about? let's examine and see what they actually [should] offer:

--a few shoulders to cry/lean on
--a few pairs of ears to listen eventhough they've heard it 46 times before
--a few bodies to eat, drink, dance and laugh with
--rides
--acceptance
--a place to sleep when homeless or kicked out
--unconditional support
--pocket money when broke
--validation
--courage
--birthday/special occassion gifts
--clothing items/accessories they don't want anymore
--love
--did i say love?
--love
--etc

4.11.2004

... and did i say i have nothing to offer?!
i'm dumb
i'm fat
i'm ugly

just "lowering expectations"

what a marketing ploy!
why is it that no matter how old u are, how confident u are, or how comfortable u are with urself, all those insecurities that haven't existed for years seep out of the strangest places all of a sudden when u start liking someone?!

BOO!
last piece of sunday puzzle: laundry!
and what is wrong with NOT wanting to go outside the circle of friends that u feel safe and protected with?!

4.08.2004

you ask me to document my experiences
as an iranian/american
i have nothing to say but
"pulp"
no experiences but what was
meant to happen to one
"pulp"
as part of the big project
part of a whole
part of a way
"pulp"
i was white and i had no
trouble--i moved along
blended in
lived
no jokes
no stones
no don'ts
"pulp"
i moved along
yes they pronounced
my name wrong
but children are
dying in africa
yes maybe a couple of jokes
were passed around
but they're still making bombs
i'm not on
anti-depressants now
am i?
land is land
sky is sky
mud is mud
"pulp"
moving right along
paying my taxes
smiling wide
moving right along
by the way
thank you for my limbs and car
i'm half/half
and i'm proud
"pulp"
"pulp"
some like it with
some without
blue gold chandeliers dangled
a bite of the caramel cookie
she slid her black plastic frame glasses
up her shiny nose
the train window reflected her
she looked sideways at herself
and pushed her lifeless hi-lighted bangs aside
pink heels
brown choker
green corduroy jacket
striped skirt
ringless finger
these are all the things
that describe her
checking the earring
applying lip balm with her pinky
to already red lips
staring into nothing
waiting for her destination
to start off the quick night
just to return to the same spot
the next day
that's the way the story goes
that's the way the story goes
so i'm buying junk at walmart and i'm in line with like 50 people ahead of me... the sign says 12 items or less but most people have more and no one says anything... these two black kids, younger girl around 4-5 and a boy around 7-8, with their mom and tough-looking grandma in front of me... grandma is holding a BIG goldfish in a plastic bag and finally when she wants to pay she hands the goldfish to the girl... it's too heavy the girl says after the bag stretches her arms down... grandma says if u don't hold it i'll give the fish to sean... i look away for a second and when i look back sean is holding the bag swaying it from side to side and the girl is quietly crying with lips hanging, wiping the tears with her arms... i was so sad that i missed the middle of the story... i sort of felt sorry for the little girl
the baobab of expectations!

4.07.2004

hey my boss just gave me a big bag of dark chocolate-covered almonds from the farmers market cause she knew i like'em... is that cool or what?! i think i'm finally settling into this job!