2.29.2004

i was cleaning up today and found this cliche love letter that i had written a while back and had never mailed... simply cause i had no address to mail it to... i met someone that touched my life for a few hours in a huge way and left to go back to his country... later i found that he was married:

"naturally or unnaturally i miss u... i was both hoping that u call and not call... i'm hoping for things to end with ur departure and not end... if u were here, i would have to be cautious... cause i like u for some reason... i'm drawn to u... and that scares me... i'm afraid of my heart breaking... i'm too old for that... i wish u were a part of my life and yet i'm afraid that u may ruin it... all this is because i don't know u and to get to know u is risky... i had a wonderful time with u here... as short as it was u made my heart beat again... u made me feel alive and made me realize that i can still feel... u are a special human being... don't ever change and don't ever take urself for granted... u are rare... a gem that brings energy and smiles into people's lives... i can easily fall in love with u... but u are like air... unsettling and always on the go... thank u for the beautiful time... thank you for touching my life and thank u for being u... urs truly"
ok... so the theme is me and my grandpa...

a long time ago i got caught in the web of scientology (don't ask! ok... a bad breakup perhaps)... the sessions that i went to were interesting... what i remember is a bunch of words being thrown at me which i was supposed to react to and there was this weird machine thing that recorded my reactions... kinda like a lie detector! very weird and very surreal!

anyway... not much came out of these session and they sucked up the money that i didn't have... but one thing that did come out was a letter i wrote to my grandpa... for some reason one of these sessions triggered something about the past and my reoccuring dreams about grandpa... and for some reason i felt this strong bond with him all of a sudden (which i still cling to) and on my way back on the train while crying hysterically i wrote him a very long and detailed letter in farsi...

i guess this letter touched him deeply cause afterwards i found out that he has read it to the whole family and everyone is aware of this letter... the letter was significant enough that it was brought up several times by various family members during my trip to iran... after all these years!

anyway... me being such a moody and quick-to-react person wrote that letter and only that letter! my grandpa sent me back this long elaborate letter in response to mine which contained the names of some books that i should read about freud and jung and a detailed explanation about dreams and feelings, etc... to tell u the truth i didn't understand half of the letter cause my grandpa's vocabulary is just out of my reach!

so i never responded to his letter... and never wrote again... that was it... just this one letter that came out of nowhere and became the talk of the family... that was it...

every time my mom would call iran my grandpa would ask her to ask me to write... but i didn't... it just didn't feel right anymore and i'm a lazy letter writer anyway...

so needless to say my grandpa was mad at me all these years... and i had no idea how mad until i finally visited iran and saw him... he was not in the best condition while we were there... we thought he will not make it... i tried to make peace with him with as little hint to the letter as possible... we talked about dreams a bit in his waking hours which were not much and i tried to give him as much love as i can... and that was hard too cause we've never been touchy feely and i was trying my best to have some sort of physical contact with him... hold his hand, rub his back... one night in the middle of the night he fell while trying to reach the bathroom and i ran to his rescue while everyone else was sleep... i don't know if he remembers... i don't know whether he felt the bond... he's not one to show his feelings

i'm not sure if it all worked... my grandpa is a very unique man... very proud... very specific... very strict... i don't know if my attempts were taken notice of... i hope they were... i think they were... i promised to call more on our departure... but everytime we call now he's sleep and can't talk... i hope to see him next time i visit... cause if i don't it will really suck...

2.27.2004

the reason u're not in my life is because i've never felt that u're on my side... either that or u've been too demanding of my time... these are burdens i carry from my childhood... and my mom

notice that these lines rhyme!

2.26.2004

"makhlooteh shir o sharbat o bastaniyeh man tamAmeh pesarAro miyAreh too hayAt... va migan az mAleh to behtareh... baleh, dorosteh, az mAleh to behtareh... la la la la la garmesh kon... la la la la la pesarA montazeran"

!!!
don't know why i let people get to me so much... that's what they're after anyway... to get a freakin' reaction... and i give it to them... all dramatic and exagerated... someone stop me!
doesn't matter if u're a marilyn manson fan or not... this book rocks! i can't put it down and people on the train think i'm crazy! thanx for the awesome book webgard
btw... i have no problem admitting that i'm a self-righteous jerk as long as u don't rub it in my face!
i think i've figured out what my problem is with people... it's ok if u're a self-righteous jerk and u admit it... actually that's very admirable if it's not done in bad taste... but i hate it when u're a self-righteous jerk and u refuse ur image pretending to be the savior of mankind!
this woman thought she was being really funny in the elevator today refering to her daughter in 9th grade... first she mentioned how dorky teenagers look and how her daughter knows that... and then she said: "i say it to her every morning... look at urself in the mirror before u worry about what u're gonna wear"

bitch!
why would i extensively write about things that make me happy??? trust me! u wouldn't like it as much!

2.19.2004

my latest obsession: quizno's sub's television commercials! what the heck are those things anyway?! i love'em!

2.17.2004

i've shut up about my feelings for so long that everyone thinks i have none! well i'm tired of being cool and i'm going to express no matter what it takes. an outspoken woman = an over sensitive bitch? if u think that way, then let's part ways. yes, u too.

2.16.2004

there's no way that u will ever fully know anyone

ever




ever






ever


u won't know what's in their head

u won't know what they do behind ur back

u won't know what their intentions are




ever




and that's sad



very sad






sad

2.14.2004

the usual suspects

2.09.2004

YES! i AM proud!

here's colab 2 with the genius webgard

2.04.2004

here's my blog in french!

how weird is that?!!!

2.03.2004

wow! this is awesome!

thanx ahmad :-)
i've been very busy and have neglected u, i know... but i will be back very soon...

in the meantime... i'm thinkin' about reserving a VIP room for my b'day... anyone local to SF? do u know of any nice VIP rooms in any of the clubs around here? preferably hip hop! :-) gotta hear my beyonce for my b'day!!