4.29.2003

happy b'day to nilgoon
HAPPY b'day to nilgoon
happy B'DAY to nilgoon
happy b'day to NILGOON

you're ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY UNDENIABLY special.
"i don't care if it hurts
i wanna have control
i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice
when i'm not around
you're so fuckin' special
i wish i was special
but i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here
i don't belong here"

4.28.2003

i'm not afraid to die... i'm afraid that those around me will
when and where is the bay area bloggers meeting?!

4.27.2003

From the orchid thief:

"I passed so many vacant acres and looked past them to so many more vacant acres and looked ahead and behind at the empty road and up at the empty sky; the sheer bigness of the world made me feel lonely to the bone. The world is so huge that people are always getting lost in it. There are too many ideas and things and people, too many directions to go. I was starting to believe that the reason it matters to care passionately about something is that it whittles the world down to a more manageable size. It makes the world seem not huge and empty but full of possibility. If I had been an orchid hunter I wouldn't have seen this space as sad-making and vacant--I think I would have seen it as acres of opportunity where the things I loved were waiting to be found."
you have no idea with what hopes and what spirit i stepped into the immigration office on april 21st... after 17 years i was finally gonna get that stamp in my passport which would allow me to travel... WOW... i had my ticket reserved for may 4th... i was so sure... i was ready to celebrate in san francisco afterwards with my parents... finally my day had come... i could see amir my pesar-khAleh, mamal my dAyee... i could see grandma and grandpa... finally the wait would be over... i could reunite with my past... i could complete my circle... everything would come to a conclusion and to a halt finally... my life would be completed... i would reincarnate... i would start over again with new goals and new hopes... my life would have meaning and purpose... i would relive my memories... i would cry and laugh and be nostalgic and crazy and confused and overwhelmed and and and...

finally my name was called... i jumped out of my seat pushing my mom along... yes, yes... the moment has come... but as soon as i saw the lady's face... the lady who was supposed to make all my dreams come true... i melted... everything washed away... i knew that second that i was in for a disappointment... she was the unfriendliest face in that building perhaps... dry and strict and proper... following procedure like there was no tomorrow... i, who's practically half american, having lived half my life in the U.S. and half my life in iran... i, who's sometimes more american than americans... i, who's always defended america as my current home... i, who's adopted this land and this culture as a part of my own... i was treated like a total foreigner... i was placed on the same boat as the outsider who's just entered the U.S. and speaks no english... (although depending on where u're from these days u may be treated better upon entrance)... i was shattered...

she didn't even look at me... she treated me like i was a wall... like i was an object... like i was a number... she was looking for every possible discrepency in my file and in my applications... she didn't care AT ALL how long i had been waiting to be finally accepted as a resident of this country... something that i had accepted a long time ago... and finally... after all that wait... she asked me to resubmit some of my documents along with translations and rushed me outside without giving me a chance to ask any questions or plea my case...

that was it... in a state of shock and disbelief i walked to the car... all life was drained out of me... u could only imagine how i felt on the 21st... i didn't want to believe it... u all know i've been counting days... i felt like my dad was going to cry when he saw my face... that's evidence enough of my feelings on the day... he knew right away what had happened...

anyway... that is why my trip has been delayed... i feel like i have no home... with everything that's going on in the world i'm being treated like a foreigner here and i have a feeling that in iran things are not gonna be any better either... i can only imagine what will be waiting for me there and how many questions i'll be asked before i can enter or leave... all this because i was born in a certain country...

but don't worry... hope is always there... things won't stay the same... terence ward convinced me of that yesterday... if u haven't read searching for hassan go and get it NOW... i listened to terry talk yesterday in berkeley and i must say the whole experience was illuminating and marvelous... he gave me hope and convinced me in two short hours that one must follow his/her heart... he convinced me that ALL things happen for a reason and that an invisible hand is always at work... what an incredible man and what an amazing teacher... go... GO... get searching for hassan now and start reading... he even said that a couple of publishers in iran are releasing it soon... go... what are u waiting for? we all need to complete that circle...

4.07.2003

look to the east
look to the west
hear them chirp
hear them weap

turn away
turn away

look inside
look outside
bleed within
shout aloud

take a step
take a leap
take a stride

call it out
call it wild
call it bob
call it pride

hush
shut up
shut up
shut down

move to the north
move to the south
move to kathmandu
move to timbuk 2
move to kalamazoo
move to the zoo

get up
move
get up
plan
move
get up

draw it out
draw it in
draw on paper
draw graffiti
draw something eerie

make them crazy
make a frenzy
make them cry
make them sing along
make them pause
and pry

hold it in
hold it out
hold it calmly
hold it tight

let go
let go
don't let go
hold it tight
hold it tight

make a frenzy
"gray would be the color

if i had a heart"
passion
fraction
sanction
attention
lotion
motion
co-motion
absolution
population
radiation
alteration
deviation
commemoration
pollution
evolution
confusion
convolution

passion
well... at least i have u guys to talk to... that still feels good...
it's true when they say u know ur friends in hard times...

when u're all chipper and happy and the clown of the bunch everyone wants to hang out with u and laugh at ur jokes... as soon as u have issues to deal with and speak ur depressed/repressed honest mind, positive or negative, they look at u like u're a 2-headed monster...

oh well... the thorns and edges are only to protect against other's thorns and edges... if we didn't have any we would be torn to pieces...

btw... don't believe them when they say: talk to me... they lie... they don't wanna hear it...

4.06.2003

don't miss this video

amir's home
so get this... this is perhaps the funniest most bizarre dream i've ever had!

i was with my friend, naz... and we were going to some huge oscar party... so we're like let's call adrian brody too... so we call him and he comes picks us up... on the way there he say: "oh my god, it must be the oscar, before i won the oscar i would had never thought that i'd be hanging out with u guys"... and he was all happy and chipper enjoying his time with us like we're celebrities or something! so then on our way there we stop to go to the bathroom and the place we stop at is a hotel or something and there seems to be a huge party there which turns out to be some celebrity's (someone in the caliber of barbara streisand)... so we go into this one room and guess what band is performing? DOKKEN!!! dokken for god's sake?! were'nt they some 80's heavy metal band???! i don't even know ONE song by dokken! so they're having an accoustic performance without mics! and my friend naz keeps talking all loud and no one can hear the band so the people in the room get all pissed and we leave... on the way out i see bruce springsteen sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and he's all down and lonely... and i mistake him with adrian brody!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i go pull him up and tell him: "hey let's go! why are u sitting here?"... and as he gets up i'm like oops... that's not adrian! it's bruce springsteen!!! so i go to naz and tell her my mistake and we both start laughing SO hard! so hard that i woke up... i woke up with this HUGE grin on my face! i don't think i've ever woken up in such a good mood!!!!!!! :-D

btw... guess what song dokken was performing? "love lifters up where we belooooooooooong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"... the theme song to an officer and a gentleman!!!!!!!!!!!

:-DDDDD