12.30.2002

a conversation with a gay or bi (couldn't figure it out) diner wearing red shoes and a black and red striped shirt driving a convertible Z3 after taking him an order of torshi and finding him coughing:

-would u like some water? do u like the torshi?
--oh yeah, it's hot... do YOU like it hot?
-ahhh... (sort of speechless)... not really... mild is ok for me
--oh, it can hurt u, ha?
- ... (walking away dumbfounded)


sometimes u wonder!

it's a restaurant for god's sake not a porn shop!
i have to work hard and save money
i have to lose weight
i have to get a hair-cut
i have to do something about that hole in my favorite pair of jeans
i have to buy them orange sneakers
i have to do something about the dark circles around my eyes from all the work
i have to gain my spirit back
i have to find a large scarf
i have to buy a notebook with many lined pages
i have to practice my smile
i have to get a new shade of mascara
i have to look good
i have to look good after 17 years
i have to feel good
i have to feel good after 17 years
so i took my notebook to work yesterday and wrote some stuff but then i left it at work
whenever i have time to comment, the commenting system is down in the most intangible way

12.29.2002

113 days left before i can travel to iran

counting the days... counting the minutes... counting the seconds... counting...
remember the russian guy from my previous job?

he came to my new job yesterday... he said he misses me and he wouldn't let go of my hand...

foolish man... letting his heart wander like that...

12.17.2002

ahhh, i miss u guys sooo much, but i'm so tired tired tired

12.15.2002

let me tell u what love is

love is not a constant... love comes in "spurts"... it's unpredictable

love scenario #1: u're sitting on the couch in the morning drinking ur coffee staring at the balcony... it's raining... a bird comes to eat... it's wet, shaking the feathers to get rid of the excess water... it's so tiny and spectacular... starts breaking sunflowers with its beak... u listen carefully... hold ur breath... u can hear the sound of sunflowers breaking... this tiny sound... it's the most amazing thing in the world... ur heart elates... ur eyes water... u wanna get up and dance and call a friend to share what u just experienced... that right there is love... hearing a bird break sunflowers...

love scenario #2: u're shopping at the grocery store... feeling the avocados with ur fingertips to see if they are ripe to ur taste... u look like u're concentrating... ur face in a bunch... u lift up ur head to see a little kid with big blue eyes staring at u from another cart... ur eyes meet... u stare at each other for a few seconds and then the kid laughs and points at u... ur heart jumps out of ur body... and before u realize it u have the biggest smile on ur face... and u carry it for the rest of ur shopping... that right there is love... that kid smiling at u so sincerely...

love scenario #3: u're out with ur friends... u're sitting around sipping on wine... enjoying appetizers... talking... ur head is warm from the wine... the night seems perfect... someone says a joke and ur friend--whom u've already taken for granted--starts laughing... this big laugh with teeth and tongue and tonsils showing... a laugh from the bottom of existence... makes ur heart beat faster... and u look at ur friend and u realize how important he/she is to u and how u enjoy his/her company and how u appreciate the friendship u have... u just wanna get up and hug him/her hard and tell her that... u reach over and touch him/her lightly and take a sip of ur wine... that right there is love... knowing ur friend in that way in that moment...

love scenario #4: make up ur own... u know what i'm talking about...

12.14.2002

i have so much to write, but i've been so distracted and busy with work and business... it's a pity... when i actually do get a moment to write i'm tired and don't feel like concentrating... i'd rather watch the osbournes on MTV... it's all excuses i know... if i can actually get my ass off of this laziness routine, i'm planning to write a series of short-shorts about early memories that i can never forget... like fasting on chips and bread for 3 days locked in my room because i didn't want to talk to my mom because she dug her nails into my forearm so hard it bled because when she called me it took me a while to respond... or the first and last time my dad slapped me... or my grandfather crying when we left for the US... or my reoccurring childhood dream... if i can get my courage up i'll even write about things i've never told anyone... but anyway... now's not the time... i'll write about them when i write about them i guess... right now i'll go watch TV and get my mind off of all those stories in the making...

12.10.2002

so finally judy abbot and i successfully met in a noisy dark place where the belly dancers were male and the food was shared and the hookas were honey-flavored... [last time we tried to meet she ended up at a party where someone was dressed as a taco while i waited in the house next door for her]... bandeh was there too dancing and laughing and drinking the night away... another one of those serendipitous nights as judy put it... thank god for the technology that brings us all together... until the next time...
it's pouring and it's beautiful... breathing in the fog is a joyous thing... but where are all the birds?
what kinda dessert do YOU like?!
who am i to talk about obligations?

i myself refuse to ask anyone for anything in fear that they may want something in return...

don't get me wrong... i'm a big giver... but i'd like to give when i want to and on my own terms.
i need a good role model again.

that or a superhero.

12.05.2002

since u came all the way here and didn't find what u wanted i'll give u a good link to visit and ask for anything u want!
sorry, i have no petition to sign, no advice to give and no good to do!

it's all been a BIG mistake :-)

12.02.2002

it's probably REAL close to heaven when u get the chance to get drunk with ur parents and just shoot the breeze... just the 3 of u...
here's a statement to chew on:

even the most extraordinary, amazing, exciting man/woman becomes ordinary to his/her spouse after a while

12.01.2002

u guessed it right... i didn't go to the party last night...
best friend, where are u? i'm dying to hang out with u and forget the world...

let's go drive far and have sushi somewhere dark and then go to a coffee shop and sip on lattes and talk and then hit some bar and listen to some obscure band playing dated songs and then get a hotel room wherever we are and sleep and wake up and do the same thing all over again in another town... hasti???
i've come to the conclusion that the reason i have not accomplished the things i wanted to accomplish is that i'm an extremely lazy person... i always want the easy way out or in... i get tired of pursuing... if i don't find it in the beginning, then i give up and look for the next thing on the list... and believe me, there is plenty on that list so i'll never run out of things to pursue half-assed... another thing is that i believe in luck/fate... for the most part i think that if something was meant to be then it would had happened with the least effort... the doors would had just opened miraculously... the phrase 'az to harekat, az khodA barekat' doesn't mean anything to me... 'if it was meant to be' is what i choose to go by... so here i am... in the beginning of the cold season... dreaming of that novel... of that album... of that children's book... of that documentary... of that wine bar... etc etc etc

i don't know why i think i'll never run out of time to do these things... how many tomorrows await me? i guess we can just wait and see... some day maybe... some day...
it's one of those stages in my life when i constantly think that something is going to happen... i'm waiting for it... day and night... awake and sleep... i'm waiting for something to happen... it keeps me wide-eyed and aware... i'm always looking around... knowing that any minute it's going to arrive... that something... it's gonna jump out of a corner and surprise me... hit me right in the face... take me to the next stage... a better stage... a happier stage... i'm waiting...
one of my fears is getting my legs crushed by the front seat of the car in an accident when i'm sitting in the back seat! that's not even logical!