11.30.2002

i wish one of u could go to a party with me tonight...

should i go by myself?
what if i walk into a wall again?!
what if i don't respond to small talk?
what if i don't relate to anyone?
what if i regret going?

forget it

i'll stay home

it's warmer
it's more comfortable
it's safer

11.27.2002

i don't like doing the things i don't like to do

11.24.2002

nilgoon, u know what i liked making with legos the most? houses.

all the time... houses... with walls... with windows... with bedrooms and kitchens and living rooms... my dream was to have a huge doll house so i can play house... or home... house or home... home... yeah... home

how things change...

11.23.2002

weekend to-to list:

same as last week
my thoughts have been
simplified
lessened
shrunk
evaporated
condensed
stepped on
blown away
torn apart
drowned
rejected
smeared

in simpler terms
my thoughts ran on windows
now they run on dos
sometimes i don't have anything to think about
it's a problem
especially at bedtime
i like to think before i go to sleep
and i think and think and think
but i can't think of anything to think about
i don't have any dreams or aspirations or goals
i live day to day
and i don't mean living in the 'now'
it's not like i do what i want to do
but i do what i'm 'supposed' to do
the worst thing
(but the easiest thing)
is that i have accepted it that way
it's normal
and for the most part
i even enjoy it
i think i have ran out of things
that i want
to do
or see
or smell
or hear
or taste
or touch

basically
i
have
ran
out
of
things
to
think
about
i work to live
i work to live
i work to live
i work to live
i work to live
i work to get paid to live
i live to work
please allow me to touch your life in a special way.

thank you.
i think if i make this trip i will find myself...

what false hopes!
i wish i had a pocket-weblog
i'm just an only child with a make-everyone-happy-so-they-love-u-and-therefore-u-won't-get-rejected-and-will-always-be-included-but-only-when-u're-in-the-mood-to-be-included complex
my diary stares at me with its body tilted - at times it grunts - often smirks - pisses me off - it really doesn't care if i write or not - i just rip the pages in revenge
do u know what u're doing?
maybe yes maybe no.
mom, dad
dad, mom
mom, dad
dad, mom
mom, dad
dad, mom
mom, dad
dad, mom
mom, dad
dad, mom
mom, dad
dad, mom
mom, dad
dad, mom

what would i do/be without them?
who else will stand by u all tired and achy to help you finish a horrendous job at work till midnight but your dad?

11.16.2002

hey you
out there in the cold
getting lonely, getting old
can you feel me?
her hands were silk. her skin ivory. my mom noticed her first and asked morad if she was iranian. she was. she came over and said hello. her eyes housed fire. her speech perfectly elegant and smooth. no one would guess that she had left iran in 1944 in her twenties. tehran, mashad, pakistan and then india. on a battle ship, she came to america. she had a red shirt on and a red purse. her gold pendant read: allah. her smile genuine and warm. she kissed me. she kissed my mom. i wanted to hold her hand in mine and smell her. she sank into me. carved a permanent memory. i held my breath and watched her patent leather shoes and lace socks as she walked out the door. 'please don't let it end, please don't let it end.'

tonight i came to know noura. this is how i will know 'noura's world' in a month when it's published. days can be amazing in this way.
u know what? i keep coming across this cool stuff that's happening in iran and i keep meeting all these cool people that have been born and raised there and i keep meeting open-minded, educated, all-for-change young iranian individuals and yet i still see all these old attitudes and perceptions towards women... so what's the deal? it's all on the surface? u just want the music and the concerts and TV? the rest is gonna stay the same?! mageh misheh?!!! that's not gonna work...

11.15.2002

weekend to-do-list:

manicure
laundry
sleep
finish website for friend
chat with cousin in iran
chat with cousin in sweden
look in the mirror
smile
braid hair
write letter to health care provider and ask not to cancel account because electronic payments didn't go through
look for stamps
find them old pair of gloves (winter is coming)
spend time with mom
spend time with dad
spend time with other half
listen to other half
pay attention to other half
smile
buy a CD burner


reminders:

don't think about work
don't think about getting locked up in a tiny space
think about ice cream
try to write a poem or a short-short or a song
don't think about money
think about finally buying that ticket and getting on the plane

11.11.2002

i often become obsessed with certain lines that have a certain impact in lyrics and i can't get them out of my mind, i keep singing them in my head over and over again... u know... one of those feelings...

right now my favorite and most curious devious delicious line is: "well any man with a microphone can tell u what he loves the most"

i mean... what possessed them to write a line like that?! is there anything more awesome in this world? i mean, in how many ways can u interpret that? and how sweet is it?

i vote for the white stripes as the band of the month... they are on heavy rotation in my car for the time being... right on... i'm glad they hung in there as long as they did... they deserve a little fame and fortune...

peace...

11.09.2002

caramel lips
swaying hips
high heels
awaiting
something
larger than
life


oh it's so much fun playing with words...
what if it was all superficial
what if it was all on the surface
what if it was all one dimensional
what if it was all fake
what if it was all lacquered up
what if it was all paint
what if it was all gray
what if it was all covered up
what if it was all hidden
what if it was all inside
what if it was all faded
what if it was all messed up
what if it was all blurry
what if it was all hate
what if it was all locked up
what if it was all scattered
what if it was all pinned down
what if it was all in the air
what if it was all tied up
what if it was all muted
what if it was all scratched
what if it was all touched up
what if it was all ugly
what if it was all bad
what if it was all or nothing
what if it was all or nothing

11.03.2002

just one thing...

i had a dream that an atom bomb fell within a few feet of me... i ducked and was trying not to breathe in the fumes of the mushroom forming... but i was not scared...