10.26.2002

oh my god! i turned into a black goat!!!!!!!!!!!

what did u do judy abbot?!?!!! :-)
sizzling garlic fries and bloody mary
green celery
happy yellow coat
her smile wide
her lips kissable
like a soap opera star

my friend thin
smoking marital problems away
cysts growing inside
[we found out the following year]

"best thing that ever happened"
"last thing i ever wanted"

savior dogs
one blind, one deaf
both overweight

the only way up to the bedroom
a 12 foot ladder

she's a waitress at a fancy restaurant
he "works with computers"
they stay up til 5:00 am aimlessly entertaining coworkers

when my friend leaves, i don't see them again

our lives intermingle for a few seconds
pleasantries are exchanged
forgotten the next day

she goes back to the rain and the green mountain
mumbles in french
teaches kids to tie their shoelaces

i move south
live like a grownup
meet the addition to my trail of foes

it goes on
this endless airless mass of events
leading to one another

eventually ceasing

10.25.2002

i read this interview with shadi sadr today and really enjoyed it...

it's very interesting... when i was iran, as a teenager, i really wanted to work... but it was out of the question... every time i talked about it my parents would laugh at me... i think the issue was that they thought it was beneath me to work...

however, i've been working since the day i stepped on the american soil... i was 17 when i started to work and it was no big deal... it was perfectly ok... why the difference?
last night i was so down that it felt like i had this huge piece of triangular styrofoam growing in the middle of my chest... it was pushing my insides out and for quite a while it felt like i was going to explode... i wanted to get out of myself and just run and leave myself behind... and there was no particular reason for it... it was just loneliness and the feeling of lack of support i presume... but why, i have no idea! i just lay there waiting to burst into chunks... actually i couldn't wait to burst cause the pressure was intolerable... i felt if i burst at least all the stuff i was feeling would spill and get out of my system...

anyway... this morning when i woke up i was fine... like none of those feelings had existed the night before...

yes... i do have happy moments but i don't feel compelled to write when i actually do have them...

10.21.2002

do u ever worry about how many hours of sleep u're gonna get before u have to wake up again that u can't go to sleep?!
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain

pain




pain


pain
pain


pain

10.19.2002

so many flavors
so many colors

francisco, estefan
didi, nu, jim brown

so many accents
so many languages
communication barriers
different interiors

all in one place
all in one space
all in their own way
struggling to excel

all in their own way
learning to covet

shelter, water
clothes and bread

piece of the world
piece of their trip
to the unknown

all in one place
all in one space

only in america
only in america
have u heard the new nirvana song??? i can't believe the asshole killed himself :-(

it breaks my heart every time i hear his voice...
hey captain... i know that bukowski has written poems for his wives... at least for one of them... and i've been searching out of curiosity... but i can't find anything... and it's too late... and i'm tired... and i'm badly in need of my pillow... so please accept what follows instead... wife, mistress, lover, friend, whore... there is a fine line!

----------------------------

To The Whore Who Took My Poems

some say we should keep personal remorse from the
poem,
stay abstract, and there is some reason in this,
but jezus;
twelve poems gone and I don't keep carbons and you have
my
paintings too, my best ones; its stifling:
are you trying to crush me out like the rest of them?
why didn't you take my money? they usually do
from the sleeping drunken pants sick in the corner.
next time take my left arm or a fifty
but not my poems:
I'm not Shakespeare
but sometime simply
there won't be any more, abstract or otherwise;
there'll always be mony and whores and drunkards
down to the last bomb,
but as God said,
crossing his legs,
I see where I have made plenty of poets
but not so very much
poetry.

Charles Bukowski

----------------------------

now that u're intrigued... for more of buk go here and here... and while u're at it read 'putting it to bed'

10.13.2002

i'll probably die before this is published

waiting... waiting... tapping foot...
look at how different judy's interpretation of last night is...

judy's=happy, possitive, dreamy, judy abbottish
shadi's=gloomy, negative, as it is, shadi-ish

so in character :-)
last night i entered this dark room… all by myself… with my long black coat… [this line is just for judy abbot:] "like i'm undercover"… the only thing missing was some fog!

i hate going places by myself… i feel insecure and unsafe… [the black coat helps of course… protecting me from the outside]… with my friends i'm a tower of confidence… without them i'm a mouse [something i would never confess to except in my weblog of course], standing in the corner nervously sipping on vodka/orange juice for lack of something better to do… i have to tell u… the single most memorable and worthwhile part of the night was meeting judy--the reason i had actually entered this dark room… she's as sweet and beautiful as her weblog… as soft and romantic as her drawings… [super to meet u judy… i know… next time we'll talk more… i can't wait!]

the rest of the time i had to watch fake people having fake conversations about even faker topics… wondering if i have ANYthing in common with ANY of them… who knows… maybe some of them had weblogs… but u couldn't tell… as i'm sure they couldn't tell that me or judy had weblogs…


and now… some awkward moments through the night:

--running into some guy who's my friend's friend and i keep running into here and there and have short conversations with… last night's conversation was about how old he feels being there… ok… well… go home!

--running into a couple who've just gotten married and actually having to pretend i was glad to see them and how i would like to keep in touch with them! (why on earth did i say that?!)

--running into multiple people from college days and having the crappy old so-what-do-u-do-now conversation without it ever going anywhere… i bet if u ask them today they won't remember my answers AND the other way around… so why waste so much energy?

--running into my boyfriend's friends and them thinking why on earth am i there by myself?! (not that i care, but damn it… it would be nice if my boyfriend actually went out with me sometimes!)

--and to top all the awkward moments: running into a wall right after i said goodbye to the just-married-couple and them actually asking if i was ok!

best part of the night right next to meeting judy abbot? getting into my car and getting outa there!

10.12.2002

i'm sooo excited... i may get to meet judy abbot tonight!
--winter is almost here... it's getting cold... it's time for family...
--yeah... family and hot cocoa...

10.10.2002

my legs are falling off
my hands hurt
my stomach turns
my feet throb
my head is light
my eyes are wet
my nose is runny
i have goosebumps
i'm starved

this is how i feel every day after work

but it's ok... i'm kinda starting to like my job
look at things all over again
hear things all over again
feel things all over again
taste things all over again
smell things all over again

live all over again

10.06.2002

i watched the two documentaries by nasser saffarian on forugh farrokhzad tonight... she's one of my all time favorite people...

i was hoping to see some footage on her and i did... she was as i thought... cool as can be... so comfortable in her own skin and yet so different than all around her... with a beautiful smile... one of those people that everyone falls in love with... one of those people who light up the whole room...

she said something that stuck... in one of her interviews she said: people are explorers by nature... very inquisitive... constantly searching... therefore they should not attach themselves to any ideologies... they should be free so they can go on exploring...

i agree... i completely agree...
i might have figured it out...

this is not the whole me... this is that part of me that has no other place but here...
the blue tree of happiness:

shadi.gif

how appropriate. thank you webgard :-)

10.05.2002

i don't change my lane that often... i like to stay in one lane if i can... all the way... till i get there... it's rare that my lane bothers me... it has to really bother me for me to change it... it has to be really crowded or really slow or really dangerous or really bumpy... otherwise i like to stay in one lane if i can... i don't change my lane that often

p.s. this is only true with lanes
it's getting worse... dramas, action/adventure, comedies, even commercials more than ever, make me tear up... stories, sentences, words, gestures... people, kids, anyone... anything... it's all inside... waiting to spill... i'm ready to throw it all up and out... the more i deny feelings, the more they build up... i'm going to burst... i'm going to explode... i'm going to run...
i haven't had any feelings for my weblog lately...