9.08.2002

i wrote this a while back and never posted it... it still makes sense though so i think i have to share it now... sorry morad, sorry bandeh... u both hate whining... sorry everyone else if u hate whining... but that's just the way it is:

i'm 33... have probably lived half my life... and i'm nowhere yet... and still don't have any goals and don't know what i wanna be... by the time it's over i will have done nothing with my life and i will leave nothing of value behind... and this is exactly the opposite of how it was supposed to be... because my destiny was to become "something" and contribute somehow... however, i'm already bitter at the world and do not wish to contribute anymore... or don't see a point in contributing... or don't see why i should contribute or what i should contribute to... i have just, at the age of 33, started to suspect that human nature is not all it's cracked up to be... that people inherently lie and cheat and use each other... i'm beginning to think that people are not as good as i thought they are... that the strong cheat and use and the weak give and lose... and i have just started to contemplate the possibility of this life not being fair to everyone and that it's flawed in a way... at the age of 33 i'm beginning to doubt things... beginning to doubt people... beginning to doubt principles and the concept of good and bad... it's a bit hard to adjust to these notions when u realize them so late and they suddenly smack u in the face... i'm totally doubting myself... my self worth... my value... my purpose... which was never clear anyway... i don't know anything.. i'm dumb... i have no knowledge... no talent... no complete understanding of any subject... just bits and pieces and fractions... i suck... i seriously do... i have not reached anywhere in my life at this age and i really don't think i ever will... i feel like i'm floating and i have no power or control over anything... over anything that's happening or not happening... powerless... disappointed in myself... and everyone else... impatient... non-trusting... pissed off... angry useless worthless piece of shit.

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