9.10.2002

i was in the shower shampooing, thinking it's gonna be another day... BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! my boyfriend came banging on the bathroom door: "IT'S WAR! GET OUT! THE WHOLE WORLD IS AT WAR! GET OUT!"

september 11, 2001... i still had my posh little studio with hardwood floors in san francisco overlooking the golden gate bridge... everyone was in love with my place... i had a decent job and made a good living and was somebody... life was so easy back then... lots of venture money... lots of startups... lots of opportunities... lots of promises... even friendships are easier when u have money...

i got out of the shower as quickly as i could... my heart pounding... wondering what could be wrong for him to have such reaction to... he was pinned to the TV... i stood there behind him watching... lots of smoke... fire... buildings... airplanes... took me a good few minutes to figure it all out... and when i did, my perfect little world collapsed... right there and then i knew that nothing was going to be same... nothing was going to mean the same meaning... it was all gone...

our company had already shut down and i was already laid off at that point but there were a lot of possibilities ahead... new companies... new bosses... new people... old connections... that day i was supposed to drive to the city of carmel to deliver some paintings to a gallery for my old boss... i'd asked my best friend to go with me... we were gonna have a nice day in the sun, have a good lunch and enjoy the weather and the beach...

my boyfriend worked in downtown san francisco back then... he got a call to NOT attempt going to work that day... so here we are with a tragedy on our hands trying to decide how we should spend our day... how do we get over the shock... how do we mourn... how do we still live out lives when thousands are ruined... how do we go on... how do we proceed... how do we smile... will we ever forget? oh wait... how do we say where we're from ever again? and that last question seems to come up over and over again even as the pain softens (the pain never lessens... it just gets buried so we can go on)...

my heart was a bundle of thorns that day and for days to follow... it never really went away... and now that it's that time of the year again i feel like crying and yelling and persecuting someone for all the hatred and ugliness in the world... i'm pissed cause my life is ruined, cause the economy is bad, cause i had to go back to the basics... but that's sooo very insignificant compared to the lady who lost her hands and her face in the fire and the man who still takes pain pills for the severe burns he experienced and who can barely carry his briefcase and the kids who are growing up having lost their parents to unnatural causes...

it still goes on... the pain... the mourning... the sights... the sounds... we'll relive them again in whole tomorrow and will never forget how the two towers fell into the ground like they were toys who some barbarian bastard with a turban and a bad leg decided to play with... i hate hate... a long minute of silence for all who lost their lives in the worst way possible (just imagine) and for all who tried to save them (just imagine)... may there be world peace SOMEday... however far it may be...

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