9.29.2002

obligation: any act by which a person becomes bound to do something to or for another, or to forbear something; external duties imposed by law, promise, or contract, by the relations of society, or by courtesy, kindness, etc

responsibility: the social force that binds you to your obligations and the courses of action demanded by that force

commitment: the trait of sincere and steadfast fixity of purpose; the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action


are they so horrible???
how do i see myself at the end?

old and gray with no family and no one permanent in my life... still unconventional, non-traditional, proud and stubborn... insisting that i'm happy, wanting all for everyone except myself... my friends still concerned with my abnormal ways of dealing with life but too busy with their own... still wearing boots, pigtails and dark eyeliner, pretending to be on top of it all... in control...

TV will be my best friend and the old bus driver
immediately after a good dose of perspective:

thank you god for my almost-good health
thank you god for my semi-normal body
thank you god for my ok-to-look-at face
thank you god for my often-sane mind
thank you god for my comparably-average
close-to-middle-class life
thank you
i mean it
hey best friend... watch the movie "great expectations" please... the 1998 version...

9.28.2002

shadi-ban

9.27.2002

the meaning of life

one down... 3 to go
i could had folded them better... but no! there is even a "method" for folding... why do people invent "methods" for every little thing, even things that are entirely common sense?!
she lives so matter-of-factly [like she's the queen of all the "right things"], even though she has no education, doesn't drive or speak a word of english, has done nothing but cooked all day, every day of her life [except days when she doesn't feel like it, which is almost every day], and completely relies on others for the simplest things.

but if she didn't, what would she do?

9.25.2002

my boyfriend's astrologer has told him that we are incompatible... what an innovative excuse to break off a 2 1/2 year relationship
so... what are U gonna be for halloween?!
i have to be honest with u... i look down on my co-workers...
i grind my teeth... sometimes so hard the fillings crack... i grind when i see injustice or when someone thinks they know everything or when someone tries to tell me what to be...
"all the minorities... the chinese, mexicans, russians, blacks... they all may get somewhere in this world... women? they are screwed!"

[my best friend]
"everything is a lie"

[my best friend's famous quote]
the meaning of life
the meaning of death
the meaning of marriage
the meaning of faith

?

9.22.2002

that's all for today.
god is just a statistic

[marilyn manson]
a pill to make u numb
a pill to make u dumb
a pill to make u anybody else

[marilyn manson]
when i hate it, i know i can feel
but
when you love, you know it's not real
no

[marilyn manson]
i'm as fake as a wedding cake
and i'm vague and i know that i'm homopolitan
pitifully predictable
correctly political

[marilyn manson]
rest in peace little girl...

9.16.2002

... spirits are fragile... easy to break... but not impossible to repair...

[from tonight's episode of 'monk']

9.14.2002

things that bring up my weblog in a search:

--sAlAd olovieh
--dAvood behboodi
--persian girl fell from balcony!!!

9.13.2002

quoting hoder: It's so sad that such a talented and pretty actress is actually getting famous at her late 30s.

what the hell is wrong with THAT?!!!
i hate politics. they are unnatural.
--i don't understand... one minute everything was fine and the next it wasn't... what happened???
--nothing happened... people change...

[from the movie 'pleasantville']

9.12.2002

the other day my coworker cut his finger real bad with a razor and of course right after the incident a "that's nothing" story followed:

"that's nothing... u see this (holding out one of his other fingers)... i cut this one last year... i cut the side off... i had to go to the hospital cause u could see the flesh and bone and everything... i took the cut piece with me too... i put it in my pocket and showed it to the doctor when i got there but he said he couldn't do anything with it..."

and he went on...

but i didn't hear anything after that... cause i kept thinking that if it was me i wouldn't put the cut piece in my pocket... i mean what about the ever existing lint-in-the-pocket? it would stick all over the bloody piece of flesh... damn... why his pocket?!!!

9.10.2002

it's time to believe in my guardian angel(s) again...
i was in the shower shampooing, thinking it's gonna be another day... BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! my boyfriend came banging on the bathroom door: "IT'S WAR! GET OUT! THE WHOLE WORLD IS AT WAR! GET OUT!"

september 11, 2001... i still had my posh little studio with hardwood floors in san francisco overlooking the golden gate bridge... everyone was in love with my place... i had a decent job and made a good living and was somebody... life was so easy back then... lots of venture money... lots of startups... lots of opportunities... lots of promises... even friendships are easier when u have money...

i got out of the shower as quickly as i could... my heart pounding... wondering what could be wrong for him to have such reaction to... he was pinned to the TV... i stood there behind him watching... lots of smoke... fire... buildings... airplanes... took me a good few minutes to figure it all out... and when i did, my perfect little world collapsed... right there and then i knew that nothing was going to be same... nothing was going to mean the same meaning... it was all gone...

our company had already shut down and i was already laid off at that point but there were a lot of possibilities ahead... new companies... new bosses... new people... old connections... that day i was supposed to drive to the city of carmel to deliver some paintings to a gallery for my old boss... i'd asked my best friend to go with me... we were gonna have a nice day in the sun, have a good lunch and enjoy the weather and the beach...

my boyfriend worked in downtown san francisco back then... he got a call to NOT attempt going to work that day... so here we are with a tragedy on our hands trying to decide how we should spend our day... how do we get over the shock... how do we mourn... how do we still live out lives when thousands are ruined... how do we go on... how do we proceed... how do we smile... will we ever forget? oh wait... how do we say where we're from ever again? and that last question seems to come up over and over again even as the pain softens (the pain never lessens... it just gets buried so we can go on)...

my heart was a bundle of thorns that day and for days to follow... it never really went away... and now that it's that time of the year again i feel like crying and yelling and persecuting someone for all the hatred and ugliness in the world... i'm pissed cause my life is ruined, cause the economy is bad, cause i had to go back to the basics... but that's sooo very insignificant compared to the lady who lost her hands and her face in the fire and the man who still takes pain pills for the severe burns he experienced and who can barely carry his briefcase and the kids who are growing up having lost their parents to unnatural causes...

it still goes on... the pain... the mourning... the sights... the sounds... we'll relive them again in whole tomorrow and will never forget how the two towers fell into the ground like they were toys who some barbarian bastard with a turban and a bad leg decided to play with... i hate hate... a long minute of silence for all who lost their lives in the worst way possible (just imagine) and for all who tried to save them (just imagine)... may there be world peace SOMEday... however far it may be...
when i started this weblog i promised myself one thing... to be honest with myself and with u and to try and stay away from self censorship... meaning: if u see a little contradiction... if u see a little arrogance... if u see a little confidence... if u see a little insecurity... if u see a little sarcasm... if u see a little happiness... if u see a little sadness... if u see a little positivity... if u see a little negativity... if u see a little confusion... if u see a little of anything... it just means that i'm being true and i'm revealing sides that may be nice or scary or soft or hard or the many complex things that each of us is composed of... i think we all put on "a face to meet the faces" everyday and await judgement to pour in… in this one place i'd like to be all the things that i may not be on a daily basis to everyone... i'm going to show all the little things that make me... well... me... good or bad... away from judgement.
"you might think u've made war and peace, but u might have just written some trashy novel"

[the guy from coldplay]

9.08.2002

i told u "all" people are hypocrites... that was considered a very long post...

more cheery posts later... i promise... don't know when though... when the state of mind changes i guess... don't worry... i'm a pisces... i change like waves do...
i wrote this a while back and never posted it... it still makes sense though so i think i have to share it now... sorry morad, sorry bandeh... u both hate whining... sorry everyone else if u hate whining... but that's just the way it is:

i'm 33... have probably lived half my life... and i'm nowhere yet... and still don't have any goals and don't know what i wanna be... by the time it's over i will have done nothing with my life and i will leave nothing of value behind... and this is exactly the opposite of how it was supposed to be... because my destiny was to become "something" and contribute somehow... however, i'm already bitter at the world and do not wish to contribute anymore... or don't see a point in contributing... or don't see why i should contribute or what i should contribute to... i have just, at the age of 33, started to suspect that human nature is not all it's cracked up to be... that people inherently lie and cheat and use each other... i'm beginning to think that people are not as good as i thought they are... that the strong cheat and use and the weak give and lose... and i have just started to contemplate the possibility of this life not being fair to everyone and that it's flawed in a way... at the age of 33 i'm beginning to doubt things... beginning to doubt people... beginning to doubt principles and the concept of good and bad... it's a bit hard to adjust to these notions when u realize them so late and they suddenly smack u in the face... i'm totally doubting myself... my self worth... my value... my purpose... which was never clear anyway... i don't know anything.. i'm dumb... i have no knowledge... no talent... no complete understanding of any subject... just bits and pieces and fractions... i suck... i seriously do... i have not reached anywhere in my life at this age and i really don't think i ever will... i feel like i'm floating and i have no power or control over anything... over anything that's happening or not happening... powerless... disappointed in myself... and everyone else... impatient... non-trusting... pissed off... angry useless worthless piece of shit.
long posts make me nervous...

9.07.2002

wow wow wow! he found me first (i don't know how) and i paid him a visit and what i found... is perfection... holden caulfield eat ur heart out! u've got to read the archives now!
things that make me happy:

flowers, you, my parents, yeh bandeh khodA, the way my mom folds over the corner of the carpet so it's safe from sunlight in that certain hour of the day...

my car, morning coffee, birds, perfume, when my dad's in a good mood and gets the whole house excited and then says: emshab Abejo bokhorim yA sharAb?

first day of rain after a hot summer, first sunny day after a cold winter, american idol, my bed, telling my boyfriend that i'm craving something and him taking me to a restaurant that serves that exact same thing...

a smile on anyone's face...
had a crazy crazy crazy week... sorry... i missed u guys too...

9.02.2002

another mesmerizing success story of an extraordinary persian artist...
Living with Yourself--Episode I

"Look at the breasts on her… they've just sprouted."

The two boys were standing behind the short fence overlooking the yard, staring at my friend and I. Their eyes glistening, smirking under the newly grown mustache. There were paint stains all over their pants and their sneakers were worn out and dirty, their hair unwashed. I looked down at my breasts--my shirt was tight and I hated them right there and then.

I was a skinny child, but that summer we had traveled to the U.S. and all the fast food had nestled under my skin. I had fat where my arms met my torso (the fat that bulges when chubby girls wear tank tops), layers of fat over my ribs, above my knee caps, on my calves--baby fat mixed with puberty. The hasty comment was enough to make me despise my breasts for a long time to come and slouch for most of my adolescence.

Women of the family all knew about my diverted feelings. My mom had told them all. Every birthday, I would get at least half dozen oversized tees to hide under and there wasn't a single family member who hadn't once commented on my slouch and suggested a brace--all the public embarrassment for a lousy comment from a stranger.

It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I started appreciating the female form, thanks to the exploitation of women on TV here. I finally realized that breasts were good and appreciated as they served a purpose--weather it be sexuality or milk. I still hate myself when I gain a few pounds though. I think the pounds go exactly where they shouldn't. And that slouch is still with me at times when I feel less than confident. With age though, all these insecurities become stories of the past. I'll tell you later about the time when I noticed my newly developed hips.
my policy? eliminate all people from ur life who cause you grief.

9.01.2002

how is it that one minute u're fine... just driving around, listening to music, living the everyday life... and the next minute--out of nowhere--ur throat tightens, ur heart sinks, ur center hollows and tears rush to ur eyes like it's the end of the world?