7.27.2002

"i'll write it all in my weblog and you can read it, ok?"

"i'll check everyday."
i read her weblogs... saresho bordam! she fell in love with a couple of them... especially a certain story about the joy of strawberries and cream... she would never make a weblog of her own... i wish she would though... she has so much to say... but she's not like that...

*****

she didn't wanna go to the wedding cause she didn't have the right shoes... she pulled down boxes and boxes of shoes from the top of her closet but somehow all were wrong... one was too black... one was too matte... one was too short-heeled (never too high-heeled)... all of them were wrong... all 35 of them... they had to be new shoes... and new earrings... new shoes and new earrings to go with the new dress... it had to be! the whole family was gonna be there! but don't get me wrong... she not like that either...
it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way down when u're on a plane and u think what if it falls?!
my best friend is out of this world. she's beautiful inside and out. she's intelligent. she's funny. she's kind. she's sensible. she's just like the colors she wears: bright.
i got on the plane... some girl was crying... i felt like crying too... cause every time i see my best friend we escape reality together and it's really hard to get back into the grove of everyday life afterwards...

this time we really escaped cause we both had more problems than usual and we needed a haven for a few days... i didn't want to come back to earth this time at all...
menu:

1st day lunch: at the old town mexican cafe, huevos rancheros for me, chicken and shrimp fajitas ("extremely well-done") for her, mango margaritas for both

1st day dinner: at some "really good sushi place," edamame, eel and avocado roll, california roll, spicy tuna roll, lots of beer and sake for both, headache for both the next day (it WAS a very good sushi place)

2nd day lunch: from albertsons or raleys or andronicos or something, french cafe sandwich to share with cappuccinos

2nd day dinner: at sadaf in downtown san diego, cornish hen kabob ("extremely well-done") for me but to her taste, shrimp kabob ("extremely well-done") for her, bottle of shiraz... music... observation of some really extreme encounters between people dancing...

3rd day lunch: at some really old and local looking mexican cafe, whole fried red snapper (head included) for both, coke for me, diet coke for her... she kept insisting afterwards that i hated the meal cause of the fish head (i covered the eye with half a lime at some point)... i kept saying no... it was really fun and really good... really...

3rd day dinner: at home, oven-baked all beef hot dogs (extremely well-done of course), mortadella, shirAzi salad, sliced pickles, oven-heated pita bread (extremely crispy of course), coke for me, diet coke for her... while watching the movie shipping news...

4th day lunch and dinner: trip to orange county for the first american summer festival (12 hours of persian singers back to back from noon to midnight... [so out of character for me!]... we got there around 4 pm)... throughout the day: 2 large beers, curly fries, chicken sandwich, (music: the boys, shahyAd)... chargrilled corn dipped in salt water, potato piroshki, another large beer to share, (music: dAvood behboodi, mahasti, shahrAm k, sattAr)... Ash reshteh, koobideh kabob sandwich, sAlAd olovieh sandwich, (music: shamAyeezAdeh, fattAneh, shahrAm shabpareh, farAmarz Asef)... more on the concert in a different post!

5th day lunch: back to sadaf for more cornish hen kabob to her taste for me and shrimp kabob for her... "water is fine, thank you"

5th day dinner: at the airport, double-shot margarita on the rocks no salt for me, double-shot margarita blended with salt for her, nachos to share... lot of sadness... some tears... lots of promises... lots of sadness...
i was in san diego for 5-6 days doing all the things that best friends do... we ate... we laughed... we cried... we gossiped... and little things made us happy...

we bought this basket from an old man from shomAl at the "first persian summer festival" in orange county... we felt bad for him... he looked old and lonely... he begged us... he said he made the baskets with his own hands... but with the large crowd that had showed up, we later figured that he must had made thousands of dollars that day... more than we had made in the past year...
i'm so lucky to have someone in my life who makes me so happy when she arrives and so sad when she leaves, she said
from here on up there's gonna be some long notes on a short trip...
i don't believe in capital "i"
current CDs on rotation in my car:

system of a down--toxicity
puddle of mud--come clean
nickelback--silver side up
purple rain movie soundtrack
the best of janis joplin
the best of INXS
it was a strange dream... it was heavy... i had a whole bunch of family... but they were new... they were not my real life family... i was roller skating around them... i wasn't that good but i managed to do all these wild moves... then i was on las vegas boulevard and there was a dragon in the sky... a steel dragon... and somebody was tugging on my sleeve shouting that there's a dragon in the sky... but then i noticed that it was the mono rail that went to the end of las vegas boulevard... then there was some guy whose hair was brown before i went into some store but when i came out his hair had turned blonde... and long... blonde and long! he had a beard too... and somehow i knew him but at the same time i didn't... and then walking down the boulevard again three strange men who wore black surrounded me and asked me to join the evil... and i said no way but they wouldn't leave me alone... they REALLY wanted me to join the evil! so very disturbed finally i got home and i was so angry that i started playing with a razor... like one of those razors that barbers use… and i was scraping the razor against some flat piece of metal... and then i cut my thumb... there was no blood but the cut piece was just hanging... it was very strange... then i was going thru the woods behind some house to get to the front door... i was going around the back with 2 other family members... we were going around the back cause our father or grandfather (not sure which) was crazy and we didn't want to go straight to the door... at one point we were all hanging by both hands from the ledge of some balcony and the balcony broke and we fell... then inside the house there was some kid and the kid's mom had sat him on a boiling pot of water on the stove... i freaked out and picked him up... his body was square... and i guess i shouldn't had picked him up cause the mother was upset that i did... i guess the whole thing was ok... then i think i woke up but i was pinned to the bed... all my limbs were sinking into the bed and i was heavy... really heavy... but i got up and went to work anyway... 2 hours thru the work day i got sick... went to the hospital... came home to rest... took my medication and went back to work... ended up working til 9:30 even though i was dead tired... and heavy... i wonder what i'll dream of tonight... i better wear something light…

7.26.2002

so far I have managed to escape paper-cuts

imagine lots of paper
imagine paper all over the place
paper on rolls
paper in reams
loose paper
imagine large pieces of paper
30" x 42"
30" x 49"
in different thicknesses
imagine them piled up
300 of them
imagine the thickness
imagine the weight
imagine having to carry them to the cutter
to the copier
to the scanner
imagine the weight
(i know i said that but imagine it again)
imagine stacking them up so they are in a perfect pile
no strays peeking from the sides
imagine stacking 300 of them that way
(there's no trick... u treat them like letter size paper... but u have to be strong... u have to pick them up from 2 corners and tap them on the floor in front of u… tap them really hard... don’t worry… they won’t tear)
imagine then rolling them
and then wrapping them in brown paper
imagine a sign saying: originals enclosed

imagine ur job done
imagine that!
attention! attention! in the news: when jewel (the singer) doesn't use her eyelash curlers, even her boyfriend notices!

7.24.2002

the story is that i was in san diego visiting my best friend for a few days and now that i'm back i have a job and my job offers plenty of opportunities for getting paper-cuts and i'm really tired and scattered and desperately trying to catch up with my life and blog reading (life=blog reading?!) and i still have to unpack and i keep running out of time and i hate it and i hate myself and i hate u but i have plenty to write so stay with me...

yes, all that was one sentence... just like my state of mind... shab beh kheir...

7.22.2002

nothing like driving down the freeway with ur best friend listening to music that u both enjoy and acting all goofy...

7.20.2002

her: i think he's cheap!
me: no he just doesn't have any money to spend...
her: does he have to eat so much???

7.17.2002

employer: what if i hire u and 3 months down the road u find a better job and quit?

me: hehe :-)

i just found it funny! what can i say...
i feel like somebody up there is testing my patience, sending bad karma my way, waiting to see when and how i break
"driven"

just how cool is that word?

and how many people can u say that about?

7.15.2002

i grow old... i grow old...
i shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled

shall i part my hair behind? do I dare to eat a peach?
i shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach

--------------------

oh, do not ask, “what is it?”
let us go and make our visit

and take it to heart, and read it again and again and again, and take it to heart
the "real thing" is not readily available. over time, people have built up many layers which require stripping down in order to reach the core. this requires time and patience. do not be hasty. only once u have reached the center can u decide...
at the apartment complex where my boyfriend lives, there are these two ducks that always hang out together... one is brown and beige all over and the other has a green neck and head connected by a yellow band to the rest of its velveteen body (mallard and wife?)... they don't do anything of significance... just the ordinary everyday stuff... they swim in the pool, hang out in the grass, look for food, groom themselves, walk around, make little duck noises... and sometimes they fly away to i don't know where... but they always return to the same spot... always the same two ducks...

the other day while driving i saw two ducks flying up above in unison... i just couldn't help but think that they were the same two, returning to their usual spot... it felt good to think it was them... felt good to think they were always together... felt good to think that they stick to their usual routine... felt good to think that they are content...

7.14.2002

check this out! i know hooman from college and he's by far one of the most unique human beings i've ever met... his personality is contagious and he has the biggest soul... i wish him all the best in the world... i'm sure he'll be a huge character some day...
everybody celebrates the birth of their blog around here... i guess i should too! my blog is one month old today and still in the milk phase... it still doesn't respond to many things and it can't sit... but it has a tight grip and it smiles sometimes and cries sometimes and gets super excited... being a new blogger sometimes i'm really not sure how to deal with it and calm it down... but i guess it's doing ok... maybe i should vaccinate it... hmmm... for now i'll just entertain it...

goochi goochi, booboo goo... blogi blog... gooji gooj... blogi boo...

7.12.2002

their concern: no freedom, no future, no faith

his concern: fear of loosing control, fear of loosing self, fear of loosing face

my concern: fat, freckled and a failure

her concern: people who sit behind her in the criminal justice class thinking she has a big behind when she stands up to answer the professor's questions!
he broke me in so many places that i can't count... my counter broke... every place in my body hurt... first he brutally slashed and killed my dream... "why are u so excited about it anyway"... then he didn't compromise... "i won't do that... i won't"... (cheghad badeh dreameh Adam beh yeki digeh bastegi dAshteh bAsheh)... then he went away without a trace... then he criticized my friend and my goal... "no ur'e wrong... because i say so"... then he tried to use and abuse my dream... "let me have it... let me do whatever i want with it... u're not using it anyway"... and then he made me face the past unexpectedly and unprepared... "i don't care about these things anymore"... so i ended up on the corner of haight and ashbury drunk, hanging out with that guy who had a dog named dude and a girlfriend named brandy who was eating turkey out of a box with her fingers and didn't talk... and we smoked homA cigarettes and cried and played games on my phone...

strangers are good... no expectations... no judgements... no hurt... no taking away ur dream...
read this! read it! read it! :-)
what a waste of a blog :-(

7.11.2002

cause i don't have any money in the bank
cause i don't own a house
cause i'm lazy
cause i failed
cause it's too late
cause i screwed up
cause i lost my passion
cause i think my friends suck
cause i don't look forward to anything
cause i don't wanna get up in the morning
cause i've lost hope
cause i'm not a good person anymore
cause i don't care as much
cause nobody cares as much
cause i'm bitter
cause i failed
cause i'm nothing
cause i'm nothing
cause i failed
cause i don't have any money in the bank
cause i don't own a house
i always thought that me and my friends were going to grow old together all the way to senior homes... this fantastic bond of love and trust... people naturally go their separate ways though... they grow up and grow apart... and other things in life become important... "real world" never happens in the real world... no 7 friends ever live together off camera and if they do they tragically fall apart... (on camera of course they grow to love each other despite all their differences and they go out together and get drunk and clean up each other's puke when they get home and walk naked in front of each other, etc)...

i guess i have to wait for the real thing to happen IN the senior home when no one has anything better to do than to maintain friendships so the fear of death is lessened...
when i was a kid, i didn't have any imaginary friends... i only had little people in my head.

7.10.2002

i grew up. barely.
i recently found out that my uncle's daughter (dokhtar-dAyee)--whom i've never met and i'm dying to meet cause i love my uncle to death and he was a role model to me when i was younger and i've always thought that he was the coolest thing ever--has an imaginary friend who she calls kh-rinA! not even kharinA, or khArinA... it's kh-rinA! now how odd is that??!

7.09.2002

your blogness,

i'm afraid that i'm excessivly weblogging... i find many weblog-worthy issues daily... and i enjoy reading other's weblogable ideas... my weblogdoon is nearly full and my parents don't appreciate the blogoholic that i've become... please advise.

yours truly,

weblogged
classified ad:

"company seeks career oriented men and women who enjoy music. no experience necessary."

--hi i'm calling regarding ur ad in the paper...
--it's a sales position...
--what about the bit about music?
--oh, we listen to a lot of music while at work!!!
tagh tagh, shalap shooloop... tagh tagh, shalap shooloop... tagh shalap... tagh shooloop... tagh...

some sandals should be banned! so freaking annoying!

7.07.2002

i'm a toilet paper waster.
i have this doll that i've been dragging around with me for years now... and it's dirty and ugly and it's ears stick out... worst of all her name is PP... it's been with me for years to quench this sick obsession of mine:

the idea of having a solid constant irreplaceable object of value or collection (that special blanky or a collection of turtle statues in different colors and shapes and sizes)

the collection thing didn't get anywhere because the harder and longer i thought about what to actually collect the more meaningless possible-collectable-objects became... so i'm left with the doll... a forced obsession... and it'll probably "hold my hand when i die!"

that's if i take it out of the storage space that contains the rest of my life as well...

7.06.2002

my mom, right now, in the other room, talking to her cousin: bacheh (she means me) injAs (she means america), [therefore] zendegi injAs (she means america)
me and my dad
me and my dad driving
me and my dad driving and talking
me and my dad and the trees heavy with fruit
me and my dad picking peaches and apricots and nectarines
me and my dad and the blonde boy who took the money
(he was maybe 12 or 13, he was good at math)
me and my dad and two plastic bags full of gold
me and my dad picking up some corn with unruly husk, pistachio coat
me and my dad driving back
me and my dad
me and my dad going back for more
tomorrow
because i've had my heart broken so many times and in so many ways... and because i've tasted loneliness... AT&T commercials make me cry let alone English Patient and A Beautiful Mind...
it's up and down... it's scattered... it's in so many places... so many nooks and crannies... so many spaces... it's driving me nuts... my eye's twitching... my leg is shaking... nervous nervous... i can't concentrate... i need something... something... but i can't find it...
the more i read the weblogs the less i relate to my physical friends... the more i read the more superficial they become... muddy. massive. dense.

here, everyone's guts is in their logs... their heart and soul and all... translucent. reflective. fragile.

not relating to ur surroundings is another form of loneliness.

7.05.2002

i once met an iranian born again christian who unfamiliar with my way with language would cover his ears and say "praise the lord" every time i said "damn"
do u think if my physical friends had weblogs i would like them more?
a·loneness n.

Synonyms: alone, lonely, lonesome, solitary

These adjectives describe lack of companionship. Alone emphasizes being apart from others but does not necessarily imply unhappiness: "I am never less alone, than when I am alone" (James Howell). Lonely often connotes painful awareness of being alone: "'No doubt they are dead,' she thought, and felt... sadder and... lonelier for the thought" (Ouida). Lonesome emphasizes a plaintive desire for companionship: "You must keep up your spirits, mother, and not be lonesome because I'm not at home" (Charles Dickens). Solitary often stresses physical isolation that is self-imposed: I thoroughly enjoyed my solitary dinner.

7.02.2002

nothing can explain it
and no label can break down its content
it's neither taxable nor duplicable
there are no limits to its power of sustenance
and no algorithm can solve it
it doesn't come in low-fat or non-fat
it doesn't move but it's not stable either
sometimes it flies, soars, dives
at other times it breaks, falls and crawls
it's happy and sad at the same time
but most importantly, some say it doesn't exist at all
does anybody know how i can get my hands on episodes of "mahalleyeh behdAsht???"

my favorite show! i had recorded a video tape full of episodes like 20 years ago but i neglected to pack it up and bring it here with me and it's gone... now i desparately miss it and want it! is anyone in touch with hamid jebelli or reza zhian or rooygari???!!!

remember hapali, mikrobeh bA vafA va doost dAshtani? abavi jAn and sabavi jAn? doctor oh, barAdareh doctor artimoos???

"sobh o zohr o ghabl az khAb mesvAk bezan mesvAk
tA dahAneh to gardad khoshboo o tamiz o pAk"

!!!!!

7.01.2002

some albums i wanna get stranded with on a deserted island (in no particular order although some are more significant for one reason or another):

--> songs of faith and devotion--depeche mode
--> pretty hate machine--nine inch nails
--> from the choirgirl hotel--tori amos
--> ok computer--radiohead
--> bete noire--bryan ferry
--> mtv unplugged in new york--nirvana
--> toxicity--system of a down
--> adam and eve--catherine wheel
--> to bring you my love--pj harvey
--> the best of leonard cohen
--> the best of patsy cline

it's all about music... about words... about the rhythm of relating...

i stayed up and watched "the man without a face" last night and once again i was reminded of the injustice, the mistrust, the loneliness, the wrongful accusations... and i was reminded of why people isolate themselves and live lonely lives... the heart is a curious matter... how it shuts down when it's mistreated too many times...

and in those times the only thing that IS is music... music that nonjudgmentally accompanies you wherever you take it and remains unconditionally til midnight hours...

you know that gut-wrenching feeling you get from some songs? that's where it all is... that's the heart of the matter... it's the center of it all.. it's where life happens.